Crossroads of Love
by Nocturnalux
Summary: High school days. Due to a misunderstanding Shizuo ends up convinced that Izaya is in love with him. Insanity follows as Shizuo then proceeds to read everything Izaya does in the wrong light much to Izaya's great dismay. Pure crack and smut.
1. Chapter 1

**Pairing:** Shizuo/Izaya

**Prompt:** Shizuo gets the idea that Izaya is actually in love with him because of some misunderstanding. Hilarity ensues!

* * *

><p>"I- I don't know how to say this…"<br>Shizuo recognized the voice immediately even if he could not see the horrible louse from where he stood on the other end of the shoe locker room. But he was surprised by the fumbling tone and suddenly very curious. Maybe now he could finally find some dirt on Izaya and have something to use against him. It was a rare bout of inspiration but Shizuo hid in his aisle and glued himself to the wall, all ears.  
>"I mean, it's difficult to actually say…it sounds silly and trivial. But in reality- the truth is, about Shizu-chan…I do love him!"<br>Shizuo was floored. For a split second he could only stare dumbly at nothing in particular. Then suddenly he felt guilt at eavesdropping on such a confession and hurriedly left the scene, almost fleeing.  
>"Izaya-kun, you've got so much talent! I could've believed you just now! You must join the drama club."<br>Izaya laughed.  
>"Sorry but I'm not interested. But it seems I have some acting talent indeed."<br>He was looking forward to a profitable afternoon of simply loitering about as was his wont. The only thing that could go wrong was Heiwajima Shizuo ruining his plans but fortunately such a creature was nowhere to be seen. Izaya stretched as he walked, his unbuttoned uniform riding up slightly and thought about how great it was to have the Ikebukuro streets to explore at his leisure.

Shizuo's first reaction, as soon as his brain began to function properly that is, was to expose Izaya and thus seal a well merited revenge. He spent the night ruminating on just how he would accomplish this and forgot to do his homework. But when he finally saw Izaya again the following day Shizuo could not bring himself to do anything. Apart from feeling exceedingly awkward. And of course Izaya picked it up immediately, being the shrewd boy he was.  
>"Shi-zu-chan! Good morning! How are you doing today?"<br>Shizuo blushed. He was realizing very rapidly that being in possession of a secret was overwhelming. Izaya did the usual routine of rocking back and forth, teasingly.  
>"Just get out of my way."<br>"Aw, woke up on the left side of bed? It's a beautiful day, rejoice!"  
>Izaya laughed and skipped about. By now Shizuo wished that he had not overheard anything compromising. It got worse when PE rolled by and he found himself teaming with Izaya for stretch exercises.<br>"Bloody hell."  
>"Cheer up!"<br>Shizuo's anger was shaken. He kept hearing Izaya's words echoing in his mind and it made him feel very sorry for him. Having a one-sided crush must be painful. And just like that Shizuo could not bring himself to chase him or throw heavy things at him.  
>"Just shut up."<br>"Don't go breaking my bones now. Neh?"  
>Shizuo mumbled something or other.<p>

Izaya realized that something was odd almost right away. And if being free of Heiwajima Shizuo was wonderful it needed to be accounted by some explanation. Izaya simply had to find out why he was now allowed to prance about as he very well pleased without vending machined flying his way. Thus he settled for stalking Shizuo. It was remarkably easy which was not surprising. Shizuo was too much of an idiot to pay any attention to his surroundings. Izaya hoped that one day Shizuo would simply miss a red light and walk straight in front of a truck. He also hoped to be there to see it happen.  
>But after a while Izaya got bored. Following Shizuo around seemed like a waste of time and when Izaya saw him meet up with Shinra at a cafe he decided to drop by and stir things up.<br>"Hello, Shizu-chan!"  
>Shizuo grew a shade paler.<br>"See, I told you Shinra…"  
>Shinra adjusted his glasses and nodded.<br>"I see, I see."  
>"Am I interrupting something here…?"<br>Izaya was somewhat confused. He did not care for Shinra's smile and those glittering glasses could be rather creepy.  
>"Not at all. Feel free to join us. Or should I say, join your dear Shizu-<em>chan<em>."  
>"Don't invite him!"<br>"I'll have a strawberry shortcake."  
>Izaya might not know what was going on, which was annoying, but Shizuo seemed upset and that was always great. Still, Izaya was puzzled by Shizuo sitting at the far end of the bench to the point of being almost squashed against the window.<br>"Shinra! Will you do something!"


	2. Chapter 2

"What were you guys talking about?"  
>"Shizuo was just telling me something interesting."<br>"Eh? What was it?"  
>"Shinra, don't you dare tell him!"<br>Izaya blinked.  
>"Tell me what?"<br>Izaya took a sip from Shizuo's milkshake.  
>"I think you're right, that most definitely was an indirect kiss."<br>"See? What did I do to deserve this!"  
>Shizuo tore at his hair and slumped on his seat.<br>"Er, what are you talking about…?"  
>Something told Izaya that now was the time to leave these two losers to themselves but his curiosity forced him to delay a tactic retreat. Shizuo suddenly sprang to his feet, nearly knocking down the table in the process, and jabbed a finger at Izaya's direction.<br>"I can't take this anymore! You, don't come any closer! You might infect me…stay right where you are! So I guess it must be real painful for you…but I'm totally not gay and even if I was you're not my type!"  
>Izaya choked. Then blinked. And blinked anew.<br>"…ah…? Wait, what?"  
>"You don't have to pretend anymore. You followed me here and all that and the creepy way you smile at me. It all makes sense. I know that you like me but-"<br>"Oy, did you suffer some massive head trauma or something?"  
>"Don't go contaminating me with- with the, er, with the gay!"<br>"_What_?"  
>"Look, I'm sorry that you're in love with me but it would never work out!"<br>"Just who's in love with you again…?"  
>"You are!"<br>"You need to have your head checked. Seriously."  
>Shinra decided to intervene.<br>"It's all good, Izaya. There is no point in denying your sexuality."  
>"Just don't come any closer!"<br>And without further ado Shizuo sprinkled Izaya with salt.  
>"Shizuo, that's for evil spirits. Not gay guys with a crush on you."<br>"Oh. Right."  
>Izaya busied himself rubbing the salt from his eyes.<br>"Now you've done it, Shizu-chan. Just wait, I'll get you into so much trouble that one of these days you'll wake up to find yourself in Guantanamo."  
>"I don't want to go anywhere with you!"<br>"How does Tokyo Bay sound, then?"  
>"Now, now, you're changing the subject. We're talking about your feelings for Shizuo."<br>Izaya narrowed his eyes dangerously.  
>"You. Shinra, you're behind this, somehow."<br>"Not at all. But it is best to be honest."  
>"I <em>am<em> being honest."  
>"Come to think about it, that damn flea has to be gay. He acts all weird."<br>Izaya had been gaping for a while now. That did not change. But he opted for some damage control.  
>"For your information I am not at all gay. In fact, I have a girlfriend."<br>"You do…?"  
>"Yes, I do. So there. That's more than what <em>you<em> can say, now isn't it?"  
>Izaya folded his arms and was content in having scored a point. It was difficult keeping a smug look when his eyes were tearing but he pulled it off as best as possible. Shizuo did not look particularly convinced and Shinra coughed as if to remind them that he was present.<br>"Is this by any chance an imaginary girlfriend? The kind that lives inside your head."  
>"Why, not at all. And she actually has a head, too."<br>Shinra did not take the jab all to well.  
>"See this? It's a scalpel. If you don't want to find out how it works on a certain Orihara Izaya then you won't bring Celty into this."<br>The blade was gone almost immediately but Izaya remained on his guard.  
>"Can we meet this girlfriend?"<br>"Good idea, Shizuo. Why don't you call her here?"  
>Izaya was prepared for this but he did not have to actually go such an extreme. But he could not possibly back down now without losing face.<br>"Fine."  
>Izaya left the café to give Yagiri Namie a call. He explained the situation as calmly as possible.<br>"You want me to pretend to be your girlfriend."  
>"Yes! Just for today."<br>"You do realize you will owe me one?"  
>"Totally. Will you do it?"<br>"Alright. Just be ready to pay me at any time."  
>"Right…by the way, wear something sexy."<br>"Don't push your luck."

With that said, Namie still picked a shortish skirt and a blouse. It did not even matter because her cuteness shone despite her choice of wardrobe. Izaya made sure to meet her across the street.  
>"Don't forget, treat me by my given name."<br>"What was that again?"  
>"You don't remember? Aren't you supposed to be very smart and have an amazing memory?"<br>"I don't keep track of irrelevant information."


	3. Chapter 3

Izaya sighed.  
>"Right…it's Izaya."<br>"What kind of a name is that anyway?"  
>"Nevermind that! Just don't forget it, okay? And just roll with the punches."<br>Izaya was considerably apprehensive and almost gave up on his charade altogether. But it was too late, Shizuo was already peeping through the threshold and that dreadful four eyes was bound to stick around. Izaya made sure to make an entrance and to put on his best smile.  
>"This is my girlfriend, Namie. These are my friends Shizuo and Shinra."<br>Izaya decided to drop his favorite nickname for the time being. Shizuo eyed Namie with obvious curiosity.  
>"So pretty. A shame her boyfriend is gay."<br>Izaya arranged so that he sat next to Namie with Shizuo and Shinra opposite of them. Shizuo's comment got lost in the ensuing commotion that followed.  
>"So…Namie-san, how did you meet Izaya?"<br>"Library."  
>Izaya cheered inwardly. He was afraid that Namie would simply stare if posed with questions of this nature since there had been no time to come up with a story but she seemed to be handling fine albeit in a stilted manner. Izaya hoped that her looks alone would settle it.<br>"And you're Izaya's girlfriend?"  
>"Yes."<br>"What exactly do you like about him?"  
>"Yeah, guy's a creepy louse…"<br>Namie remained cool and collected.  
>"None of your business."<br>"Fair enough."  
>Izaya was getting ready to wrap this up. He seemed to have cleared the hurdle.<br>"Look at the time, we should get going-"  
>"By the way, what is Izaya's favorite food?"<br>Izaya could throttle Shinra.  
>"Favorite food?"<br>"I'm sure you know. Since you're his girlfriend."  
>Izaya was suddenly cornered. He could almost feel Shinra's gloating ways emanating like waves. Namie remained nonplussed. But not at all defeated.<br>"I don't really know but I obviously love him very much. After all, I'm carrying his child."  
>At this point Izaya nearly fell off his seat. Shizuo dropped his spoon. Shinra had to readjust his glasses more than once.<br>"Namie-chan? You didn't tell me anything about this…"  
>"Well, it proves it."<br>Izaya supposed that it did but there was a limit to how much one could flat out lie. Even Izaya knew that. Unfortunately he could not possibly squirm his way from this predicament without revealing his own involvement in the whole scheme. It seemed that Namie was one of those allies that were worse than any enemy.  
>"Woah, Izaya…that's like…heavy stuff."<br>Shinra clapped.  
>"Congratulations, then! Nothing like starting early, eh?"<br>"At least producing offspring is possible for us. Same species and all. It really helps."  
>Shizuo fumbled for something coherent to say but could not think of anything.<br>"Ah yes, I'm sure that being teenage parents is a wise choice. I'm sure that's what you both wanted."  
>A lamp lit in Shizuo's mind.<br>"Oh, you'll have to marry her now. Even if you're gay."  
>"I am not gay, how many times do I have to repeat myself!"<br>Namie seemed to have taken a particular dislike for Shinra.  
>"Obviously. It is all according to my plan."<br>"What plan is this?"  
>Izaya would very much like to know too. Shizuo had an idea.<br>"Aha! She wanted to cure you of the gay!"  
>Izaya figured out that he might as well use Namie's odd tactics to his advantage.<br>"At any rate, this shows I am not gay."  
>"Actually…it doesn't. You can very well be bisexual."<br>Shizuo gasped audibly.  
>"Bi…bisexual? That's! Wait, what does that mean…?"<br>Namie frowned.  
>"You need to get smarter friends."<br>"Tell me about it."  
>Then again Shinra was not lacking in the intelligence department. Namie seemed to acknowledge this to some extent because she saw fit to expound on her fictitious plan.<br>"We have artificial wombs for the purpose at the lab."  
>Izaya had to hand it out to Namie, she could easily come up with details to build up her story. Unfortunately it sounded too sci-fi to be credible. Even if Izaya suspected that Namie did have such an apparatus. But for the time being he was trying to figure out to make this entire complication go away without further sequels. At this point Kadota arrived, bursting through the door.<br>"Is it true? Cute Izaya babies…I can hardly wait to play with them!"  
>"What are you doing here? And who told you?"<br>"Shizuo texted me. Ah, red eyed babies are so cute!"


	4. Chapter 4

Izaya shook his head.  
>"Oy, Dotachin. Are you a pedo or something?"<br>"It's not like that!"  
>"Oh really."<br>"I just like little kids, especially with red eyes. They're like pet mice, so cute."  
>"Er…if I see you around my house I'll report you to the police."<br>"So mean!"  
>"Looks like it was all Namie's idea. You got fooled into becoming a daddy."<br>Izaya sighed. He wished Namie had not involved him in this complicated mess.  
>"Izaya and I both planned this. You can call it an experiment in human rearing."<br>Kadota nodded enthusiastically.  
>"I still got to wait nine months. But it's totally worth it!"<br>"How exactly is any of this your business anyway?"  
>"Can I help in choosing names? And you'll need baby clothes and stuff!"<br>Shinra could not resist a jab.  
>"An experiment! Sounds so interesting. I feel sorry for Orihara junior already."<br>Namie actually bothered looking at Shinra.  
>"I don't see why. We both have 2020 vision and such traits get carried from generation to generation. That is why people like you should not be allowed to reproduce. The human gene pool does not need faulty wiring like deficient eyesight."  
>Izaya had to laugh.<br>"I don't think you need to worry here."  
>Shinra took some time gathering his bearings.<br>"That's eugenics you're proposing."  
>"It's improving the species."<br>"Looks like it's your genes she loves."  
>Shizuo rubbed his chin.<br>"Man, I can't follow this conversation."  
>"Me neither, I just want to see the babies. And get them to wear beanies."<br>Namie glanced at her watch and got up.  
>"I have things to attend to. Izaya, let's go."<br>He gladly obeyed. A block away from the café he could finally ask.  
>"What was that all about?"<br>"I thought that it would convince them."  
>"How am I going to explain this, exactly?"<br>"Tragic miscarriage."  
>"Ah…"<br>"You should thank me, you'll get some sympathy points over that. By the way, I'll be charging you extra."  
>"What for…? Wait, charge?"<br>"Precisely. I'll send you the bill shortly with the interest rates."  
>By now Izaya had realized that just claiming to be gay at the start would have solved everything but like so many things in life it was too late now.<br>"I see. By the way, if you're going to invent a pregnancy don't bring up artificial wombs. It makes the entire thing sound fabricated."  
>"What do you mean? Those artificial wombs are crucial to create my clone army with which I will take over the world."<br>Izaya should have known better.  
>"Okay…"<br>"Now that you know I'll have to kill you if you tell anyone. I will keep in touch."  
>"Yay, so happy now…"<p>

Shizuo was a bit at a loss. He could not throw vending machines at someone who was about to be a father. Unfortunately for Izaya, the period of solace was about to turn into a pure nightmare. He decided that having Namie announce 'tragic miscarriages' was unwise. Her deadpan delivery style was absolutely unconvincing. So he figured he might as well deliver the 'news' himself. But he did not expect Shizuo to get all tear eyed.  
>"It's so sad! You must be heartbroken!"<br>"I'm fine, really."  
>"There's no need to lie and act strong, you know!"<br>Izaya supposed that he could cash in on the drama but it was getting far too creepy.  
>"I'll be fine."<br>Shizuo nodded gravely.  
>"Yes, there must be some mixed feelings, I'm sure. Because you're so young and people judge! But it must be so painful to lose a child, no matter how old or young you are! If you need to talk I'm here for you!"<br>Izaya took a step back.  
>"Er, it's okay."<br>"What you must not do is isolate yourself! Oh, I know! Want to have one of those Buddhist ceremonies that they have just for babies?"  
>"No. No, I don't. You do realize that at it was just a clot of cells, right?"<br>Shizuo frowned and before Izaya could escape proceeded to shake him forcibly.  
>"How can you say that! A baby is a baby! Don't you have a heart!"<br>"Do-n't- sha-ke-me-e-"  
>"Izaya…why are you here instead of comforting your girlfriend?"<br>Much to Izaya's dismay he could feel an aura of anger emanating from Shizuo.  
>"Namie is a really independent girl. I'm sure she's fine."<br>"Izaya-kun….you are going to comfort your girlfriend in this time if need. Right now. Or else."  
>"I was just on my way there!"<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

"This is private property. Take one step and it'll be trespassing."  
>"Hello, Namie-chan. I just wanted to see how you were doing."<br>Namie was not doing all that well for reasons that had nothing to do with Izaya. Which accounted for her mood. But Shizuo attributed it to entirely different causes.  
>"Namie-san, I am so sorry for your loss."<br>She lifted an eyebrow.  
>"Yes, it is quite a setback. Dropping a few points in the stock exchange can have serious repercussions."<br>"Huh…?"  
>Izaya pulled her aside.<br>"He means the tragic miscarriage that never happened. Just pretend to be kinda sad."  
>"Is that a priest?"<br>Shizuo nodded.  
>"Yeah, I got him on the way here."<br>He had indeed picked up the poor fellow and tucked him under his arm.  
>"Why?"<br>"For a Mizu…Mizu…what was it called again?"  
>The cleric in question answered despite his great confusion.<br>"Mizuko kuyō."  
>Namie was somewhat annoyed. She trusted Izaya to at least handle his own problems without bothering her.<br>"All reproductive systems are operative so there is no need to concern oneself. Science is an endeavor of trial and error."  
>Shizuo turned to Izaya.<br>"Translate…?"  
>"She means that she's fine. See, I told you everything is alright."<br>But Shizuo would have none of that. Instead he became teary eyed again and decided to embark on a rant.  
>"Poor baby, red eyed and all! Why must such things happen!"<br>"Oh god, you've been talking with Dotachin, haven't you…"  
>"Where is Buddha when this kind of tragedy strikes!"<br>"Speaking of tragedies, those idiots at the board, when I fire them they will end up living on the streets in card boxes. And I'll drive by on rainy days and splatter them with mud. Justice would be served."  
>She beamed at the prospect and not for the first time Izaya made a mental note to remain on friendly terms with Namie at all costs.<br>"Little Izayas…not too sure the world needs more louses but it's still so sad. It's not the baby's fault that his father is a horrible person!"  
>Izaya sighed. So much for the sympathy card.<br>"Anyway, as you can see Namie is peachy so can I go home now?"  
>"She's obviously very upset but trying not to let it show! She's your girlfriend so comfort her. <em>Now<em>."  
>Shizuo towered very tall above him.<br>"I could also run them over. Yes, that is even better."  
>"Namie-chan, how about I get you something nice. Like a science book."<br>"Great idea. You do that."  
>And with this Izaya thought that he was off the hook. But Shizuo insisted on joining him at the bookstore and after Izaya picked a book he glared at him furiously.<br>"Just a measly book? How can you be cheap like that! Get her one of those books about…stuff, you know, the kind with many volumes. It's the least you can do."  
>"…they're called 'encyclopedias'. And I wouldn't expect you to know but they are very pricey. I can't afford one-"<br>"I-za-ya-kun."  
>"Then again, what is money when er, love is concerned!"<br>"You better buy it."  
>Thus Izaya lost his entire allowance in one sitting. The pain was severe at such a blow. But since he was silent about it lest Shizuo went off on another tirade, he left said Shizuo to draw the wrong conclusions yet again. Izaya dragged his feet on the pavement. Maybe he should try to find the priest again and get him to lift whatever curse had been placed on him. Izaya slumped on a bench and remained there staring into the great emptiness that matched his purse. He could see the long month stretching ahead of him. And then it occurred to him, he wasn't just broke. He was actually in debt thanks to Namie's loanshark like interest rates. Which was what caused him to break into a fit of sobs.<br>"A month…it grows so much in a month."  
>Particularly when the debt was updated on a daily basis.<br>"It was one month old? So sad. I'm so sorry."  
>Izaya did not hear him. Even when he got his next allowance he would only begin to pay an astronomic debt that Namie saw fit to text to him, proving that she had a great timing in all things. Izaya dropped the cell phone.<br>"Kaiji…just like Kaiji…why must this happen to me!"  
>Shizuo was getting rather worried.<br>"You were thinking of calling him Kaiji? You can always do that to your next child."  
>"You don't understand!"<br>Shizuo nodded gravely.  
>"Yes, I can't understand your grief. But maybe you should, you know, get a kitty."<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

"How is a kitty going to make me money!"  
>"Money…? Ah, I see. You want to pay for the mizu…something thingy. It's okay, I got a deal with the priest. He'll do it for free."<br>At this point Izaya considered bashing his head against some hard and unyielding surface.  
>"My life is over."<br>Shizuo fretted and tried to think of something to console him.  
>"Don't say that! Izaya, you're still so young. I'm sure you'll have many kids in the future. So don't go saying such depressing things!"<br>Izaya contemplated the future, the bleak future in which his debt escalated per Earth's rotation. Tears sprang to his eyes anew.  
>"I'm doomed. Doomed, I tell you!"<br>Shizuo was considerably freaked out. He did not know what to do, the awkwardness was great and he had to do something even if it was rather drastic. Few people knew but Heiwajima Shizuo was very weak against tears.  
>"Don't cry! You know, I know that you like me and all that…and since you're so sad- and that's totally fine too!- I'm just saying that I wouldn't mind stuff like…kissing…but nothing more than that!"<br>Izaya did not even hear. He was too busy dwelling in misery.  
>"It's not even my fault."<br>"Totally not! I suppose it's kinda wrong but Namie wouldn't know...and if it'd make you happier…I don't mind…"  
>"What are you going on about?"<br>Shizuo was blushing furiously.  
>"Oh, I was just saying that I'd be cool with kissing and stuff…to cheer you up that is…just don't go jumping on me! No rape!"<br>Izaya's jaw dropped.  
>"What the <em>hell<em>? You're not retarded, you're brain dead!"  
>And so it was that Orihara Izaya found himself deep in debt and still with the suspicion of his being gay hanging above his head.<br>"Just stuff like kissing…not more than that…"  
>"Shizu-chan, how about you take a dive from a tall building? That'd make me happy. Izaya would be a happy boy then!"<br>"Oh no, your brain just broke! I know, this will help."  
>Shizuo went for a clumsy kiss that surprised Izaya into immobility. To the point that Izaya did not push Shizuo away even as a tongue clashed against his. By the time Izaya could breathe again he was slightly light headed.<br>"Are you out of your mind?"  
>"Forgot that we're in public…"<br>"That's not the problem here!"  
>In an attempt to put some distance between them Izaya nearly fell. Shizuo did not notice it, being suddenly bashful.<br>"That was my first kiss, I'm not very confident in these things…but I'm trying to help."  
>"<em>Help<em>? You nearly choked me!"  
>Shizuo twiddled his thumbs.<br>"So sorry. I just don't like to see people cry. So cheer up. Want some pocky?"  
>Izaya decided to take it. He needed to get his hands on a large amount of money, somehow. That was what mattered. Of course he would never forgive Shizuo for stealing his first kiss anymore than he would ever admit to it but priorities had to be established. He thought long and hard. Then inspiration stroke. If one is already entangled in lies then one might as well go with the flow and make up a few more fabrications.<br>"Shizuo, you see…Namie is rather sick."  
>"Really?"<br>"Because of the shock. She doesn't want people to know, not even me…but she needs money for the treatment. But she can't afford it herself. So I must help! Or I'd never forgive myself!"  
>"That's so noble of you! Anything I can do to help out?"<br>Izaya had to bite his lips to keeping himself from smiling. Finally things were going according to his plans.  
>"Ah, I don't want to involve you…"<br>"What are you talking about! That's what friends are for!"  
>"But if you're so inclined…I have an idea."<p>

"Behold! The world's strongest guy! He will juggle not one, not two, but _three_ vending machines for your enjoyment!"  
>Izaya sat on a ladder and buoyed up the crowd. This was without a doubt a sweet revenge. Shizuo was more than apprehensive.<br>"Three…? That's a bit too much…"  
>Izaya made his best sad face.<br>"I see. I suppose that Namie-chan isn't worth going to the trouble…and she just lost a child and all…we live in such a cruel world."  
>"Okay, okay, I'll juggle them!"<br>"Yay!"  
>Izaya proceeded to skip about, collecting money from the highly impressed bystanders that stood agape as Shizuo defied human limits. He had Dotachin helping with the collecting too. It was a good thing that there would always be suckers to do his biding.<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

Shizuo was doing his stunts for free (that alone showed he was rather unintelligent) and Dotachin seemed willing to be bribed by the prospect of kid pictures of Izaya (that would never materialize anyway). Izaya was happily counting his well deserved money. At this rate he would not be able to pay for his pending debt as to actually make some profit. Maybe he could take the show to the road and show off Shizuo all over Japan during the summer break. Izaya would need a catchphrase, even a stage name, merchandise, etc. He was considering such things when suddenly a shadow covered him. Something red fell on him and Izaya knew nothing more.  
>He woke up to a persistent and nasty headache to find himself in bed with none other than Heiwajima Shizuo staring at him.<br>"Oh no, I've died and went to hell."  
>"Izaya! You're alive!"<br>"What happened…?"  
>"You see, one of the vending machines slipped from my grasp and it kinda fell on you."<br>"What? You blockhead! Are you trying to kill me?"  
>Shizuo put up his hands.<br>"No, no, no. It was an accident! I normally just throw them at people, I'm not used to juggling…it's not like I took aim or anything like that, no."  
>"Gah. What about the money?"<br>"I forgot about it, guess it got scattered."  
>"My precious money is all gone?"<br>"Don't worry, what's real important is your health. Doctors say you'll be back to normal real soon!"  
>"Real soon?"<br>"Well, you can't move at the moment…it was a very heavy vending machine. But you're alive! It's a miracle! And I'll visit you _every day_! Hospital life isn't good but I'm used to it and so I can help you through this!"  
>Izaya forced himself to smile.<br>"Shizu-chan? Do me a favor."  
>"Sure! What is it?"<br>"Open the window."  
>"Oh, fresh air."<br>"Now jump out of it."  
>"But I'll die."<br>"Precisely."  
>"That's not very nice of you to say…oh, Namie wants to see you! I'll go get her."<br>Izaya was not particularly looking forward to being told how much his debt had grown but Namie had a solution.  
>"<em>What<em>? You want me to…I don't even!"  
>"In a week you could pay me back."<br>"By having sex with random guys? How did you even get that idea!"  
>"Not 'random guys', wealthy costumers. And while you're at it, get some compromising evidence I can use against some of the board members."<br>"Er, no. I am not doing any of that."  
>"It should be easy enough for you. Since you're gay."<br>"Oh no, not you too! I am not gay! Not gay! What gave you the idea that I was gay?"  
>"It's pretty obvious. You wouldn't get all bothered about it if you weren't gay. It's very typical of closet cases. Even inventing a pregnancy."<br>"You did that completely on your own!"  
>"I had to. No one would believe that you were heterosexual otherwise."<br>"I give up."  
>"Good, does that mean you'll do it?"<br>"No. No, it doesn't. I can't believe you want me to pimp me to pay for your crazy plans!"  
>"A clone army does not finance itself."<br>And with this bit of wisdom he was left alone.  
>But true to his word Shizuo visited him everyday after school and rambled on. Something was bothering Shizuo.<br>"You know, Izaya…I've been thinking…"  
>"Don't bother."<br>"I don't want to be rude or anything but about Namie…I'm glad that she's healthy again but she is a bit cold…I mean, I think you need someone to take care of you and visit you at least once in a day."  
>"Wonderful, you're already covering <em>that<em>."  
>"I don't mean it like that- but it was my first kiss, that kind of thing is important…"<br>"What-ever."  
>Shizuo completely missed the caustic tone. He was also blushing furiously.<br>"I guess it's a bit weird, kissing a guy but it wasn't bad…"  
>"Speak for yourself. I nearly died. And then I really nearly died with your stupid vending machine."<br>"And I got thinking, you're kinda, you know…cute."  
>"Wait, what?"<br>"I never noticed it before but you're cute. Like a girl, yeah. Real small and cute. No wonder you're gay."  
>Izaya could foam at the mouth.<br>"Will you drop the cliché already? This again? For the last time, I'm not gay!"  
>"It's okay, it's not a bad thing. As long as you don't rape me."<br>"You fucking idiot, I couldn't even rape you if I wanted to! Have you forgotten you're huge and super strong? How can anyone so stupid live, it defies reason!"  
>Shizuo blinked.<br>"Oh yeah! I feel better now."


	8. Chapter 8

Izaya face palmed. Literally.  
>"With your size you'd probably top anyway- wait, why am I talking about this!"<br>"Top…?"  
>"Read it up online."<br>"You mean that I'd be the one doing stuff to you…?"  
>"Just forget the whole thing."<br>But Shizuo could not let the matter go."  
>"I get it! 'Top' as in, I'm the one that does the guy's part. I'm totally fine with that!"<br>"Well I'm not!"  
>"I don't mind doing that kind of thing…I mean, you're cute and sexy."<br>"Do you hear the words that I'm saying?"  
>"And if you were naked, it's not like I'd say no…I mean, it's my first time and all but if it'd make you happy…"<br>"Hello! Anyone home?"  
>"I am willing to lose my virginity to you! To make you happy!"<br>Shizuo shook a fist in the air. Izaya choked. And Shizuo took the opportunity to carry on.  
>"Oh do you think that this will make me gay?"<br>"Why can't you just die. Really."  
>The door slammed open and Kadota burst into the room.<br>"No! Will there be no more red eyed babies? Go out and make some!"  
>"And you can die too."<br>"It's okay, I'm not turning gay…Izaya is just like a girl so it's fine."  
>"Why are you talking like I'm not in the room…?"<br>Kadota gasped.  
>"If you're gay then how am I going to get some cute babies with red eyes?"<br>Izaya rolled his eyes and pushed a button.  
>"Nurse, I am being harassed by two demented idiots. Please escort them out of here."<br>"Or maybe kissing infected me…should I try salt again…"  
>"Try some acid to your face."<br>"Could it be that you never did stuff with a guy before…does that mean I'll be your first? That kinda makes me happy, nervous too but I'll try my best!"  
>"Your best at what, exactly…?"<br>"You know, this and that…yeah…and it's great that you still remember me! With the vending machine and all, I was afraid you'd lose your memory."  
>"I wish."<p>

The following day Izaya was getting ready to shower when Shizuo dropped by like a curse.  
>"I'm here to help out!"<br>Izaya almost jumped out of his skin. His naked skin, even.  
>"No, you're not."<br>"The nurse said it was okay! And that you needed someone to make sure you're all sparkly clean."  
>Izaya turned the showerhead on Shizuo, soaking him to the bone.<br>"Stay away."  
>Shizuo shook his head as if he was a shaggy dog trying to dry itself.<br>"Now I have to change clothes."  
>Izaya flailed greatly as Shizuo undressed.<br>"What are you getting naked for!"  
>"It's your fault…"<br>Shizuo got a chair and placed Izaya on it.  
>"There, no standing too much."<br>"Just don't go touching me in weird ways."  
>Izaya was absurdly tense as Shizuo got a soap soaked sponge and proceeded to wash it over his body. Slowly.<br>"So cute…"  
>"You're creeping me out."<br>Shizuo missed the remark altogether. Foamy stuff was sliding down Izaya's slim chest and sides, highlighting delicate lines. Shizuo forgot what he was supposed to be doing.  
>"It's like those commercials…what is it called, Herbal Essences."<br>"Those are with girls."  
>"Yeah…still…so much like it."<br>"Do you see a bloody forest?"  
>"Can you make cute moany noises?"<br>"No."  
>"That's too bad."<br>Izaya was busy staring at the wall but he glanced at Shizuo briefly and froze.  
>"What he hell, what are you getting hard for?"<br>"Oh, that. I guess…THE GAY GOT TO ME!"  
>Izaya threw soap at him. Shizuo slipped on it and fell. Izaya rejoiced.<p>

"So neat that we got to stay in the same hospital room!"  
>It was one of those worst case scenarios. Izaya had tried to get his bed placed as far from Shizuo's as possible but there was not enough room.<br>"I must have some very bad karma."  
>"Cheer up! You won't be lonely now. I'll be with you all the time!"<br>"What part of that is good…"  
>"I know that you like me-"<br>"No I don't! I don't like you!"  
>Shizuo nodded, not at all bothered.<br>"Yes, you called it 'love'. It was so touching! Ah, but I'm not sure I can handle that, I mean, my heart isn't ready yet!"  
>"What are you talking about?"<br>"You don't have to deny it! I suppose that in a way it's flattering…I'm still confused about all this but now we have so much time to spend together that I'm sure I'll be able to answer your feelings."  
>"Why me. I mean, seriously. Why me. Is my karma balance that bad."<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

"Want me to go get the priest again?"  
>"Where do you find these people?"<br>"At temples. Want me to get you one of those talismans for love? And for health, too."  
>"Get me one of those straw dolls so that I can put a curse on you."<br>"That's not very nice…"  
>Shizuo leafed through a book and suddenly gasped.<br>"Izaya, did you know that Tokyo used to be called Edo?"  
>"…that's common knowledge…"<br>"Really? It says so in this novel, I picked it up from a nurse."  
>"You keep reading that."<br>"Sure!"  
>Izaya could thus get away from Shizuo if only for a while. He slowly walked down a few corridors, thinking. More than ever he needed money and his options to earn some were very slim. Izaya watched a few patients going back and fro. And then it occurred to him, misery sold. It sold very well. So he put on his saddest face possible and sat in a dejected manner in a crowded place, waiting. Eventually some old lady asked him what was wrong and Izaya batted his eyelashes and smiled weakly.<br>"Thank you for your concern. I have a rare disease and the doctors just told me that I can't afford the treatment. But I shouldn't be talking about such things, I'm sorry."  
>Izaya gloated inwards. He could already see her searching for her purse. He prepared himself to sound ever so contrite.<br>"Oh my god! Why didn't you tell me!"  
>Izaya flinched.<br>"Shizuo, it's fine-"  
>"No it's not! Ah, I can no longer wait, then!"<br>"Wait for what-"  
>Before Izaya could ask he was being picked up and carried away. Shizuo closed a door behind them and placed Izaya in a bed in some unknown room.<br>"I'm sure you'll get better on your own, diseases tend to go away magically when you're around! But just in case…I mean…I cannot live with myself knowing that you'd die without doing it with the person you love!"  
>"Where am I…?"<br>"They keep stretchers here, no one will disturb us. I'm a regular at this hospital so I know some neat places."  
>Shizuo had been reading an historical novel of overly sappy undertones. It influenced his mood considerably.<br>"Just let me go."  
>Shizuo blocked the door. He suddenly realized that Izaya looked a lot like the heroine in the novel.<br>"I can't do that! I mean, it's my duty…to do this properly…"  
>Izaya lifted an eyebrow.<br>"Do what, exactly."  
>"Well, do you I guess…"<br>"The hell-"  
>"No, I mean it more like 'making love', yeah."<br>Izaya started violently.  
>"I don't care what you call it, you crazy rapist!"<br>Normally Shizuo might have been dissuaded but he had just read the heroine delivering similar lines before begging the hero to jump her bones (literary subtleties were not Shizuo's forte) so he assumed that it was to be expected.  
>"It's okay, I'll try to make it good for you."<br>Izaya jabbed a finger in the air.  
>"Heiwajima Shizuo, didn't you say that you weren't gay?"<br>"Yeah…but the gay got to me! Nothing I can do about it now. I guess it's…romantic?"  
>"What on earth?"<br>Shizuo looked very dreamy. It disturbed Izaya immensely.  
>"Ah, it's like forbidden love. It's what they call Crossroads of Love!"<br>"I haven't got the faintest idea of what you're talking about."  
>Shizuo nodded.<br>"Yeah, words don't work as well as actions."  
>Without further ado Shizuo kissed him. Not as clumsily as before, with plenty of tongue. Izaya tried to push him aside but to no avail. Shizuo pressed against him and proceeded to shred Izaya's hospital gown.<br>"Oy, oy, you can't be serious about this!"  
>"Don't worry, there are stretchers around."<br>"That's not the problem here!"  
>Shizuo was already discarding his hospital gown and climbing on top of a very frightened Izaya.<br>"Dunno how to do this…should I ask for some tips, no wait- I have to be the man here so I suppose I should be in charge and make you feel good…but how to do that….hmm…"  
>"Er, is this how your inner dialogue works normally? You do realize you're talking out loud…? And get off me already!"<br>Shizuo thought that Izaya looked absolutely delectable as he lied on his back in naked glory. And the fact that Izaya was terrified made him even sexier. But there was a difference between seeing someone hot and actually listening to said person.  
>"There's always the question of wearing a condom or not…I want to make this extra special for you, maybe I should go get one…then again, it's more romantic without…complicated."<p> 


	10. Chapter 10

Izaya decided that reasoning with Shizuo was ultimately useless.  
>"Forget that, go get a condom."<br>Shizuo became a bit sad.  
>"But it's not the same…I mean, I want to come inside you…"<br>"You're just going off on a crazy rapist fantasy!"  
>"No condom, then. What if you die while I'm getting one! I'd never forgive myself."<br>"Why would that happen?"  
>"I'm not taking any chances! How about positions, I heard that doing it from behind is better for the first time but it seems a bit wrong, I mean…"<br>Shizuo trailed off. By now Izaya was getting impatient all well as annoyed. Since escaping seemed impossible he decided that he might as well get it over with.  
>"Are you going to do anything or just ramble on and on?"<br>Shizuo nodded enthusiastically and kissed the hollow of Izaya's neck, sucking on it greedily.  
>"Stupid Shizuo, you'll leave marks!"<br>Shizuo moved to twirling pink nipples.  
>"Wow, they're getting hard…"<br>"Will you spare me the commentary!"  
>Once the mental monologue was out in the open it would not retreat back to the mind.<br>"Must prepare you first…"  
>Shizuo wished that the book had given some tips as how to proceed but he still managed to figure out that starting with one finger and stretching was the best option. Izaya opened his mouth to protest but ended up gasping instead.<br>"Hng…"  
>"Oh, I'm doing something right here."<br>Shizuo was reassured by this. So he parted Izaya's slender legs, nearly drooling at the sight. Izaya squirmed a bit and moaned softly.  
>"You don't have to hold your voice down, no one can hear you here! This is such a nice place, isn't?"<br>"Wonderful…"  
>"Yeah!"<br>Sarcasm was not something that Shizuo could readily detect normally and even less when he sported an almost painful erection and had Izaya just under him, defenseless, hot and naked Izaya. Shizuo tried to think of something inspirational to say but nothing occurred. He slowly entered Izaya and did not even feel nails scratching at his back.  
>"…so tight..."<br>Izaya pulled him into a deep kiss, mostly to stop Shizuo from babbling stupidity. Also, Izaya was getting very impatient, his hard length was beginning to drip and it was all Shizuo's fault. So Shizuo better do something about it.  
>"<em>Move<em>."  
>Shizuo was not used to being bossed like this so it was an unexpected turn on. He thrust blindly without giving it much thought and Izaya held on for dear life as the stretcher creaked rhythmically. Izaya shifted only slightly but it made all the difference. He moaned loudly and then nearly hissed as Shizuo suddenly stopped.<br>"Oh, is this the, what is it called, some letter…J point? I forget."  
>Izaya could correct Shizuo by bringing to his attention that it was 'G' and not 'J' and that either way it applied to females but he was not in the mood for offering any explanations at the moment.<br>"Shut the fuck up and keep moving."  
>"So bossy…"<br>But Shizuo did not mind it. After all, he did not need any prompting. Shizuo picked up speed and held him down. His vision was a bit blurred but he could still appreciate Izaya moving in tandem with him, sweat trailing down the smooth lines of his body now under strain. Shizuo's control snapped altogether when Izaya spasmed around him. He charged ahead with all he had, rushing toward climax.  
>"I'm about to come-"<br>Izaya did not particularly care one way or another. He was too busy trying to match Shizuo's uncoordinated thrusts to his best advantage. Fortunately Shizuo's sheer size filled Izaya completely who was close to the edge even before Shizuo grunted and released deep inside him. Izaya barely noticed it, orgasm was upon him and he forgot all about Shizuo as the world turned white, pleasure running in his veins as if mixed with his very blood.  
>For a while there were only panting sounds as they tried to catch their breath. At length Shizuo pulled out almost regrettably. He blushed at the trail of semen on his wake.<br>"So hot…"  
>Again Shizuo struggled for words. The hero in the book had quite a few cool lines for times like these but his mind was a blank slate. Izaya winced and cleaned himself much to Shizuo's disappointment. The main reason why he had not used a condom was so that he could enjoy semen trickling out of Izaya's pert ass but clearly Izaya was not romantically inclined.<p> 


	11. Chapter 11

"You're a brute as well as an idiot."  
>"Like, you know, love making is…special and…stuff that…yeah…"<br>"That was not even a sentence."  
>"Oh. Right. I just thought it'd be romantic…"<br>"You have a really fucked up idea of romance."  
>"You should get to do it with the person you love before you die…and I don't want you to die!"<br>Izaya sighed. The histrionics became more annoying with reiteration.  
>"Look, I'm not going to die so just drop it."<br>To Izaya's surprise Shizuo gasped loudly.  
>"Oh my god, I see it now! The power of love cured you, didn't it! It's amazing!"<br>"Are you for real…?"  
>"It is a miracle!"<br>Nor for the first time Izaya wondered if Shizuo was not technically mentally impaired.  
>"You make my brain hurt. And you got your stuff on me, as if being in the hospital and having to do this kind of thing with you wasn't bad enough."<br>"About that, you didn't have to clean it right away…at least wait until I can take a picture…"  
>"That's <em>it<em>, I'm out of here."  
>Easier said than done. Izaya found that he hurt in places he did not even know existed and jumping to his feet proved impossible.<br>"Don't do that, I'll carry you! We should call the priest and tell him about the miracle!"  
>"Wait a second! I'm naked!"<br>"Yeah…"  
>"Stop drooling already!"<br>"It's okay, they have hospital gowns here. Pretty pink one for you!"  
>Izaya rolled his eyes.<br>"Whatever. And will you clean yourself already!"  
>A smear of semen covered Shizuo's belly and chest.<br>"How about you lick it off?"  
>"How about you kill yourself?"<br>Shizuo was carrying Izaya when something occurred to him. A grand revelation.  
>"Oh! If the miracle of love saved you does that mean I love you too? I mean, it wouldn't work if it were one-sided! I had no idea I felt this way!"<br>"You're an absolute nincompoop."  
>"I see! What is that?"<br>"I rest my case."  
>They were passing the maternity ward when Shizuo placed Izaya in a chair.<br>"I'll be right back."  
>And true to his word, Shizuo returned in no time. With a baby, even.<br>"Look, you can take this one to replace Kaiji!"  
>Izaya nearly fell.<br>"Take it back! I'll land in jail for kidnapping a minor!"  
>"Nah, there were many of babies there. They won't miss one!"<br>"The hell they won't! Put it back!"  
>"Don't you want to hold it for a bit?"<br>"NO."  
>"That's too bad."<br>Shizuo was a bit sad but he obeyed. By the time they reached their room Shizuo's mind was a bit clearer.  
>"This means that I'm a man now, right?"<br>"A stupid man."  
>"A stupid man is still a man! I feel so mature now."<br>"Crazy rapist, that's what you are."  
>Shizuo frowned.<br>"Hey, that's not a nice thing to say. It's not true either. No rape, you liked it. I mean, I made you come and all. That's got to count for something!"  
>"You've been watching too much porn. Skewed expectations."<br>Izaya hated himself for blushing.  
>"Porn with you would be hot, there'd be money shots. Yeah…but it's wrong! You should do it with the one you love!"<br>"How did you even get the idea that I loved you?"  
>"I overheard you talking to someone the other day…it's not like I was spying on you! Okay, maybe a bit-"<br>"So you're a stalker too?"  
>"So not! But you were saying…that you loved me…and that it was difficult to say…so I knew that you couldn't confess!"<br>Izaya's mouth opened without closing. He was about to tell Shizuo that it seems he suffered from hallucinations on top of everything when suddenly he remembered.  
>"Oh, that! After school?"<br>"Yeah…"  
>"I was talking to the drama club! They tried to recruit me and asked me to do some acting <em>in promptu<em>. So I picked something utterly absurd like loving you! If you're going to eavesdrop, stay long enough to understand the context!"  
>To Izaya's surprise Shizuo teared up on the spot.<br>"I feel so…so…so violated!"  
>"<em>You<em> feel violated?"  
>"Yes! My heart is breaking right now!"<br>"There's the window, Shizu-chan! Feel free to jump at any time!"  
>Izaya saw an opening, maybe he could get rid of Shizuo once and for all. As if.<br>"It's okay! I'll make you love me, then!"  
>"What the hell!"<br>"Yes! Bet you sub…sub…"  
>"Subway?"<br>"No, not that, sub stuff…when you're thinking stuff down deep but you don't know it cause it's like sub…"  
>"Subconsciously?"<br>"That! Like, bet you love me in that sub way! That's why you picked it for the drama club."


	12. Chapter 12

Izaya knew that asking for a loan to pay for a debt was unreasonable. But he still found himself sneaking out of the hospital to meet with a certain yakuza. The reason was simple, Izaya was about to sell his services as an informant to be. His contact network had yet to expand all over Tokyo but it was already solidly rooted in Ikebukuro. More, it covered a young demographic that the yakuza could not easily infiltrate. Izaya would rather wait until he had more to offer and for a higher price but he had no choice.  
>Shizuo was slumbering but he still noticed Izaya tiptoeing away. Normally he would simply ask what was going on but today he decided to follow him. Shizuo imagined that Izaya was visiting the maternity ward in secret and crying at all the cute babies so he was surprised to see him leave the hospital altogether.<br>Shizuo's unusual secrecy resulted from his wanting to, as he would put it, 'conquer Izaya's heart'. Izaya would probably have noticed that he was being followed. After all, Shizuo was not discreet and he was more than a bit big. But Izaya was working on his pitch and that cancelled out everything else. He needed to sell his assets in the best possible and that meant that he had to be taken seriously. Izaya hesitated, his finances were on a low as it was, but he considered it an investment. He bought a sleek suit.  
>Shizuo watched closely from across the street and wondered what was going on. He had no idea but Izaya looked smoking hot in a suit and tie, it made Shizuo's mind go many places at the same time. So much so that he almost forgot that Izaya was about to go on his way and nearly missing him in the process.<br>Shizuo followed him all the way to a nondescript building and had the good sense to stop to actually think. Izaya said something into the intercom and after a short interval was admitted in. Shizuo looked around. Long black cars kept parking by the entrance and troops of men in dark suits exited with plenty of bowing and strutting. He made the connection right away.  
>"Yakuza? Oh no! The love of my life is turning to crime!"<br>Shizuo's first reaction was to kick his way into the place and knock down everyone to save the damsel in distress. The more carried on he became the less realistic his idea of Izaya became. But then it occurred to him that to rescue Izaya he needed to create the right conditions. This too was something that he remembered from the novel.  
>Shizuo waited until one of the dark suits strayed away alone and then punched the living daylights out of him and stole his clothes. Then when the time came to open the car doors – apparently the big shots were unable to do that for themselves – he jumped into the empty position and joined with the bowing. And as he expected he could enter the building without difficulty.<br>Shizuo rejoiced at his own intelligence. Until he realized that he did not have the faintest idea of where Izaya was. His heart sank. Asking around was probably not an option. Fortunately he caught sight of him waiting in a large sofa. Shizuo could tell that Izaya was nervous. It was the right time to make a grand entrance but before Shizuo could do anything Izaya was summoned to a big room and disappeared behind large doors.  
>But Shizuo was not about o give up. He waited three whole seconds and then kicked open the door and rushed inside.<br>"Izaya! Have no fear I'm here to save you!"  
>Izaya could have died at this point. Shizuo spotted the lean man in a white jacket sitting behind a massive desk and identified him immediately as the villain.<br>"You can't steal Izaya from me! Izaya is mine, I mean, because of love and all that…so yeah, give me back my Izaya."  
>"Oh god, why do you keep popping up randomly?"<br>"And this is?"  
>The man sounded curious but not particularly impressed or afraid.<br>"I am Heiwajima Shizuo, a peaceful man. I don't like violence. Love is a beautiful thing."  
>Izaya took a deep breath to steel himself. This was one of the worst possible first impressions.<br>"Shizu-chan, we'll talk later. Just go away now."  
>"Aha, take that you sinister mobster person you! I'm on '-chan' basis with Izaya!"<br>"The name is Shiki."  
>"Like I care! You can't have my boyfriend, I mean, crime is wrong! You people cut off fingers, I've seen it on movies!"<p> 


	13. Chapter 13

And with this Shizuo proceeded to inspect Izaya's hands, finger by finger, closely. Izaya blushed.  
>"What are you doing?"<br>"Your pretty fingers are all here, good."  
>"So you're sweethearts or something?"<br>Shiki seemed amused.  
>"Yeah!"<br>"No! No, we're not. Shiki-san, please ignore this individual. He is mentally challenged and seems to be under a delusion of sorts."  
>"I'm Izaya's boyfriend! Since we've done this and that…."<br>Izaya placed a hand over Shizuo's mouth.  
>"Please forgive this interruption, I'll get rid of him right now."<br>"Not so fast, Orihara. This kid is funny. Let him stay."  
>Izaya wanted to protest but there was no way he could against Shiki in his turf on top of everything.<br>"Like I was saying, I'm Izaya's boyfriend and I won't have anyone else have him…especially not a creepy mafia dude!"  
>"You bloody moron, you'll get both of us killed at this rate!"<br>Izaya seriously considered yanking Shizuo's tie until he died.  
>"Interesting. You seem to be very brave and strong. How about you become Orihara's bodyguard?"<br>"Oh, bodyguard!"  
>"You can be with him twenty four seven that way. Don't you want that?"<br>"I'm all for!"  
>Izaya approached the desk as respectfully as he could.<br>"Shiki-san, I don't really need a bodyguard."  
>"You'd be better off with one if you want to become an informant."<br>"Yeah, listen to the wise _aniki_. I know the talk from movies."  
>"You're all set, then. Heiwajima here seems like a very strong kid indeed."<br>Izaya sighed. By now he suspected that Shiki was doing this on purpose.  
>"Yes, Shiki-san."<br>"Just for the record, I am real peaceful. Except for the vending machine incidents…and the fridge incident…"  
>"Fridge…? Do I want to know?"<br>"Well, that wasn't totally my fault, I mean…Kasuka should know better. I really like dessert…stealing it was just wrong."  
>Izaya gasped.<br>"You threw a fridge at your own kid brother? What is _wrong_ with you!"  
>Shiki got up and concealed a chuckle.<br>"Kids nowadays are very…lively. But I don't want my office turning into a kindergarten."  
>"It's okay, I graduated from kindergarten already. Finger painting was so fun, but you need all of your fingers for that."<br>Clearly Shizuo had never heard of overstaying his welcome. Izaya tugged at his sleeve.  
>"We'll be going now, Shiki-san."<br>"Ha! It's a man's job to protect his woman! Even when his woman is actually a guy! Wait, that sounded wrong but that's okay!"  
>Izaya dragged Shizuo away as best he could and exploded as soon as headquarters was no longer within sight.<br>"What was that all about? Can't you just keep quiet for once in your life and leave me alone? You just screwed me over again! Go back to hating me already! You caused less damage back then! And I am not, not, NOT your boyfriend! Is that understood?"  
>Izaya was panting with rage.<br>"Man, you're so hot when you're angry. I can't even follow what you're saying cuz I keep getting distracted."  
>"Brain malfunction?"<br>"Bodyguard sounds cool, like the man said I can get to spend all of my time with you! Let's go to a public bath for some naked bonding."  
>"Let's not."<br>"Also, suit is like…cool."  
>Izaya swerved away from him on the pavement.<br>"You're getting creepy."  
>"Hmm…no money for a love hotel, damn."<br>Just then a black limo stopped by and the dark fogged window rolled down, a card appearing. Shizuo picked it up. A voice from the interior addressed them:  
>"Use that to go into any love hotel in Tokyo for free."<br>"Thanks a bunch!"  
>The limo was gone before Izaya could protest. He now knew for sure that Shiki was having fun at his expense.<br>"Alright! The power of love prevails! Good, because I can't wait much longer…"  
>"What the hell do you mean?"<br>Shizuo blushed.  
>"Doing this and that, like putting my thing in-"<br>"Enough! That's way too much information."  
>"Look, a love hotel right here! Who knew!"<br>Izaya jumped and tried to run away but Shizuo easily detained him.  
>"You can't take me to a love hotel, are you stupid? I'm a guy!"<br>Shizuo peered deeply into Izaya's eyes, his voice suddenly very serious.  
>"It's either free love hotel or me doing you in the next alley."<br>"Free you said? Great…!"  
>Shizuo smiled brightly.<br>"So happy right now!"  
>Izaya wondered if he should aim for the next life because clearly this one was under some dreadful curse.<p> 


	14. Chapter 14

There was the faint hope that maybe the love hotel people would turn them down since they were so obviously underage but unfortunately Shiki's card opened doors and in no time they were shown into a large room with a massive heart shaped bed. Shizuo was all over Izaya right away and somehow accidently activated the spinning mechanism of the bed. But he did not seem to notice it for he had something of a dilemma at this point as he climbed on top of Izaya.  
>"Suit is sexy but naked is great…decisions, decisions."<br>"Don't just go deciding that on your own!"  
>Shizuo seemed to give it some thought. Or what passed as thought for Heiwajima Shizuo.<br>"Got it, off with the pants, keep the jacket."  
>And Shizuo did just that. At which point Izaya had to accept that he was not getting away anytime soon.<br>"Look, if we're in a love hotel we can at least make the best of it. Get some lube. It should be around."  
>Shizuo blinked.<br>"Lube…?"  
>"Lubricant. It makes it easier."<br>"Cool!"  
>Shizuo scanned the drawers and found a tiny bottle.<br>"Hey, is this it?"  
>"Yes. Just use that."<br>"Sure thing! But how?"  
>"…please tell me you're kidding."<br>"So not, I'm a serious man."  
>Shizuo undressed rapidly and grinned foolishly.<br>"Do I have to explain everything to you? Like this, you pour some-"  
>"That's cold!"<br>"Don't be a pussy."  
>"But it's cold…keep doing that."<br>Izaya lubbed up Shizuo's very hard length. Then proceeded to apply the thick liquid to himself, spreading a generous portion on his entrance and stretching. Shizuo wanted very much to just pin him against the bed and have his way with Izaya, suit and tie being a bonus. But Izaya was getting very much into it, so much so that he went from mere preparation to moaning softly as he hardened. Izaya closed his eyes and writhed, zoning out and nearly forgetting all about Shizuo. But unfortunately not for long.  
>"Oy, Izaya…that's unfair, I want to get some action as well…"<br>Izaya turned slightly glazed eyes to him. For once his mind was a bit hazy. He was not used to doing it this way but it was most definitely interesting.  
>"What…?"<br>"I mean, you're dripping already and all. I gotta show you my love."  
>Which in Shizuo terms obviously meant burying himself all the way to the hilt in one swift thrust. Izaya hissed but it was some much needed stimulation. He struggled for purchase but Shizuo's movements had him firmly locked in place. And just in the right position as Shizuo pried one of Izaya's long legs. Izaya moaned loudly and clung to the shiny sheets. It sent Shizuo into a frenzy, redoubling his speed and increasing the strength with each thrust. There was something about the way the tie was loose and sweeping in tandem with the pendulous movement of Izaya's lithe body, Shizuo found it absolutely scrumptious. And he would have said it too if not for the fact that orgasm swept all words from his mind. He held Izaya close as he release inside him and was basking in an afterglow as Izaya climaxed in a series of spasms, clenching up and splashing his hot load.<br>Shizuo withdrew slowly and gently lied him down.  
>"Wait here a sec, be right back."<br>Izaya did not even hear. He was still in a daze. Through his closed eyes he could sense a flash of light. He blinked to find Shizuo perched over him with a camera in his hand.  
>"What are you doing?"<br>"Taking a pic, I want to a keepsake to remember this by…and it's romantic, my stuff dripping out. Plus the suit, man you look so mature and slutty at the same time."  
>"Give me that!"<br>Izaya tried to confiscate the camera but failed, he could not even properly move.  
>"I'm getting these on my bedroom wall!"<br>"The hell you are! And what's this about romance? There's nothing romantic about this!"  
>"Sure there is. And who knew you'd come so much, you're so small. It's cute."<br>"Why me…"  
>Suddenly Shizuo started.<br>"Oh no! I just remembered something! You have a girlfriend! So, like this is one of those…love…triangles!"  
>Shizuo had to search his mind for the name of a geometrical figure with three sides.<br>"Trust me on this, it really isn't."  
>"That settles it! I must win you over! Turn on the gay full throttle!"<br>"What does that even mean, oh just forget I asked."  
>"Once you go gay you can never go back!"<p> 


	15. Chapter 15

Shortly after Izaya received some good and some bad news. The good news was that he was discharged from the hospital. The bad news was that so was Shizuo. More, Shizuo did not unglue from him.  
>"Stop following me around!"<br>"But I'm your bodyguard."  
>Izaya stuffed his hands inside his pockets and tried to walk away rapidly. School life was hell with Shizuo tracking him like a wraith. At least during classes proper it should be less horrible. But not so. The assignment to write an essay led Izaya to produce some very venomous prose about the evils that quarter an individual's freedoms. He felt a bit better after writing it. Unfortunately Shizuo was picked to read his essay out loud.<br>"Oh, cool. I wrote about love! 'Love is very important. And when I say 'koi', I don't mean carp fish. Although fishies are pretty and I like watching them swim. But I mean the other 'koi' that I can't write, that's why I left it in hiragana.'"  
>Izaya snapped.<br>"This is how you write it, this! [恋] 'Koi', 'KOI', it has nothing to do with the fish! And how can you not know how to write it?"  
>"Aw, you went to the trouble of writing it for me and all…so cute!"<br>"Gah…sensei, send him back to the first grade!"  
>The teacher coughed.<br>"Shizuo-kun, maybe you can use 'Ai'?"  
>"'kay. Where was I, right. 'The carp fish-"<br>"Enough with the stupid fish!"  
>"Don't worry Izaya, I'm getting to the part about my love for you in no time!"<br>"I hate my life."  
>"Like I was saying, 'The carp fish are not as nice as love. And the love of my life is Izaya, or as I like to think of him, 'Iza-chan'."<br>"Who the hell are you '-chan'ing'?"  
>"You do that all the time to me, calling me Shizu-chan. I just thought I'd do the same!"<br>"…karma. It's a bitch."  
>The teacher coughed again.<br>"Izaya-kun, watch your language. And carry on reading, Shizuo-kun."  
>"How many more pages are there of this insanity?"<br>"Ten!"  
>Izaya wept quietly.<br>"Aw, I see you are moved! I'll continue. 'Iza-chan is really cute and pretty. He really loves me but he pretends not to, it's okay because my love knows no end.'"  
>And on and on the essay, broadly defined, went on. The teacher clapped.<br>"That was very good, Shizuo-kun. Compared to your last essay in which you filled ten whole pages with 'KILL KILL KILL.'"  
>"I am very peaceful!"<br>Izaya excused himself and foamed at the mouth as Shizuo followed him all the way to the bathroom stall.  
>"Go away! I can't do it with you just standing there!"<br>"But I got to watch over you."  
>"Gah! Can't you at least turn around?"<br>"I see, you must be embarrassed."  
>"More like freaked out completely."<p>

The next day Izaya invited Shizuo, Shinra and Kadota to go to karaoke. It was a decoy so that he could sneak away from Shizuo's crazily protective ways. He went all the way to a temple for the first time in his life and asked for a priest, the one that Shizuo had strung along in fact.  
>"A curse…?"<br>"Yes. A curse. I _must_ be cursed. It is either that or my karmic balance is completely off whack. Now, normally I wouldn't buy into this superstition and supernatural drivel but I am at the end of my rope."  
>"I see. But Izaya-kun, if you search your heart I am sure that you'll find a way-"<br>Izaya grabbed him by the robe-like garment and shook forcibly.  
>"Don't give me that crap! I don't need any soul searching, I need to get rid of that evil spirit of a person, Shizu-chan! Don't you have charms or something? How about doing an exorcism? Something! Anything! What use are you people anyway?"<br>"Anger clouds your vision. The eight fold path-"  
>"Tch, I knew I was wasting my time."<br>Izaya got some charms to ward off evil anyway, just so he did not feel like this had been as entirely pointless as he felt it to be. A minor earthquake hit but he hardly noticed it. Until he spotted Shizuo bolting in his reaction, full speed.  
>"Izaya! Don't be afraid, I'll protect you from the evil earthquake!"<br>Before Izaya could do as much as utter a word Shizuo landed on top of him.  
>"…dead now…"<br>"No debris will fall on you now! You're safe! No need to thank me, it's the least I can do."


	16. Chapter 16

Orihara Izaya had something of an epiphany shortly after he woke up in the hospital bed. It was the kind of thing that he was better off keeping to himself but he could not help it. So when Shinra visited him Izaya could not possibly hold his silence.  
>"Shinra, I figured it all out."<br>"Glad to see you all energetic."  
>"It's about Shizu-chan."<br>"Did you fall in love with him yet?"  
>Izaya rolled his eyes.<br>"Aha, very funny. Is he around?"  
>"He's buying you a big flower bouquet."<br>"How creepy can one get? Anyway, I don't have much times then. The truth is…Heiwajima Shizuo is a genius."  
>Shinra adjusted his glasses.<br>"I'll get your doctor and have your head examined."  
>"Just <em>listen<em> to me. There's no way for someone as stupid as he appears to be to actually exist. It's simply impossible."  
>"Ah…"<br>"Which means that it is all a façade. In reality he is absolutely brilliant. He came up with this 'Can I haz milk and cookies and then RAGE!' thing to fool us all! And we bought it! He is highly intelligent and just _pretending_ to be stupid. He's right there with Namie when it comes to smarts."  
>"How exactly did you come to this er, unorthodox conclusion?"<br>Shinra was honestly curious.  
>"It all makes sense! My plans to get rid of him keep backfiring, it can't all be a series of coincidences! He has been plotting all this from the very start! Probably since he first met me…waiting…plotting…biding his time…reading highly advanced string theory books and the latest research on M theory in his free time!"<br>"String theory? Shizuo? He can't even write 'koi'…."  
>Izaya tried to jab a finger but his arms were in a cast.<br>"Precisely! That's part of it! He can read and write perfectly, his reasoning skills are second to none. He is a genius, a true genius. You have to be a genius to be able to pull off a 'lolz, so dumb' without anyone figuring it out for such a long time."  
>"Er, Izaya? You've been thinking about this a bit too much. Just relax and-"<br>"Relax…? Relax? How can I bloody relax! Don't you understand, my advantage is gone! Worse, it was never there to start with! If he is absurdly strong _and_ a certified genius then what chances do I have? I am doomed! Doomed! Absolutely doomed! I am bound to end up in one of the eight hells! Which one will it be, I wonder…!"  
>"Eight hells…? Are you turning Buddhist?"<br>"But he won't kill me right away. First he'll torture me in dreadful ways. Because he's a sadist genius. It's Stephen Hawking bred with Hitler with dashes of Mike Tyson!"  
>"What's with that combination?"<br>And just then Shizuo walked into the room.  
>"Iza-chan, I am so sorry! But I saved you from the earthquake. My intentions were good and pure. It took me a while to get here, had to get these pretty flowers and write you a card. Here!"<br>Shizuo handed him a bunch of red roses and held the card so that Izaya could read it.  
>"'Iza-chan, I love you very much. Get well soon so that we can do this and that again. PS: can I have a pair of your panties.'"<br>Izaya shot a glance at Shinra as if the sheer blatant stupidity proved his point entirely. Shinra shrugged, seemed like Izaya was losing it.  
>"Shizu-chan, you do realize I don't wear panties, right?"<br>"It was worth a shot…yeah."  
>"…hello…?"<br>"Mind was going places."  
>"Anyway, how come the card is in hiragana?"<br>Shizuo looked very grave.  
>"I'm no good with kanji, no. Kanji-sama should have made it easier."<br>"Kanji-sama…?"  
>"You know, the guy who came up with kanji. That's Kanji-sama, must have been a wise man from China! Man, I wish he didn't make it so complicated."<br>"Shizu-chan, I'm a bit thirsty. Could you get me some juice?"  
>"Sure!"<br>Izaya waited until Shizuo was gone.  
>"See? How can anyone believe that kanji was invented by a guy called 'Kanji'?"<br>"You have a point there."  
>"I am telling you, Shizuo is a genius.<br>"You're thinking too much about this."  
>"On the contraire, I haven't thought about this enough. By the way, Shinra…you best keep this between you and I or I'll have to kill you. Neh?"<p> 


	17. Chapter 17

"Izaya, I think you've been reading too much Death Note."  
>"Don't be absurd. That's fiction. This is reality."<br>Izaya nodded gravely.

As Izaya became more and more convinced that he could not possibly have erred on his highly unlikely conclusion and thus proved that applying one's intelligence to chaotic events could lead you away from truth, Shizuo decided to pay a certain yakuza a visit.  
>"So I was wondering if you have tips about what to do with Izaya…since you look like a mature guy, I bet you know about this kind of thing…I mean, about doing this and that with him…I want to improve! In return I can kick bad guys for you. I'm like, great at that!"<br>Shiki had to smile but he kept a serious façade.  
>"Kick bad guys, you see?"<br>"Yeah! I bet the yakuza deal with a lot of bad guys. I'll kick and punch them for you, I'm real strong. Just no killing, that's wrong. But I'm fine with kicking them around some!"  
>Shiki wanted to ask how that lined up with Shizuo's self-proclaimed peaceful ways but he supposed it was beside the point.<br>"I can always do with skilled people. You're hired."  
>"Thank you very much! And like, about Izaya…what should I do? Valentine's is around the corner and all…"<br>Shiki had seen many a thing in his time but this was the first time that he ever had to deal with such foolishness. But it was true that it was difficult to get half decent goons as it was and some positions called for less than intelligent individuals: after all, those would not even think about climbing the yakuza corporate ladder. One thing was for sure, Orihara had landed himself a ferocious wooer.

Izaya managed to wheel his way around the hospital with a wheelchair. It was not too difficult and he would go absolutely insane if he had to stay cooped in his cramped room. He was surprised at learning that a teacher was waiting for him and that he had to go back to said room.  
>"Hello, Izaya-kun. I'm sorry for what happened to you but we need your help."<br>"My help? With what?"  
>"Debate team competition. You're the best shot our class has, we need three members. So it's you and I leave you to decide the other two members. You're familiar with competitive debates, I gather?"<br>The cogs in Izaya's mind were turning at full speed.  
>"Indeed I am. But I am in the hospital as you can see."<br>"No problem, you can move around as it is."  
>Izaya had the clear feeling that he was being exploited but it suited him just fine.<br>"Is there a prize involved?"  
>"Here are the details."<br>Izaya scanned the leaflet and nearly dropped when he saw an extra zero than he was expecting.  
>"You can count me in, sensei!"<br>Izaya spent the rest of the day abuzz. He was still all hyped and running several scenarios in his mind when Shizuo arrived for the daily visit. Izaya blinked as Shizuo, sporting a sleek white suit, did a weird saunter.  
>"What are you doing…?"<br>"Iza-chan! You're my woman, so show me some love!"  
>And without further ado Shizuo planted a wet kiss on Izaya's mouth.<br>"Will you stop that already!"  
>"As a man I will get rid of the competition. Your girlfriend is going down!"<br>Izaya opened his mouth to comment on what an idiot Shizuo was, fancy clothing or not, but he remembered his newly acquired knowledge. It put Izaya in something of a predicament. He did not know whether to acknowledge Shizuo's brilliancy or to act as if he remained oblivious. Both approaches had their good and bad points. For the time being it was better to take the safest option.  
>"What are you wearing?"<br>"You like it? Pretty cool, huh?"  
>Shizuo turned around so that Izaya could admire it. It reminded Izaya of someone almost immediately.<br>"Are you trying to become Shiki junior?"  
>"It's a more mature look! Cuz you need a real man in your life. Someone that can take care of you in every way."<br>Shizuo tried his very best to sound manly and not overly excited. The idea was to come across as in control as possible. Courtesy of Shiki's words of wisdom. Shizuo wanted Izaya to be impressed enough to melt. Weirdly enough, Izaya was indeed impressed but for all different reasons. He found himself in awe of Shizuo, his genius could not be underestimated: it must be exceedingly impossible to so consistently act like an idiot.


	18. Chapter 18

"Shizu-chan, I need your help with something."  
>"What is it!"<br>"I want you to join the school's debate team for a debate competition."  
>Shizuo blinked a few times.<br>"Debate, you say…I dunno about that, I mean, I'm no good with stuff like that…I think…actually, what's a debate?"  
>"A topic is chosen and you argue for a position, your opponent argues for the opposite position. In the end a panel decides which side presented better arguments. For example, 'What is your stance on Article 9 of the Constitution? Pro or against?' but it'll probably not be something that controversial."<br>Shizuo did not even know that the Constitution had up to 9 articles, in fact he had the foggiest idea of what the Constitution was. Izaya expected Shizuo to pull it off by displaying his so far hidden intelligence. Shizuo nodded.  
>"Yeah, sure. I'll give it a go."<br>As it turned out Shizuo did in fact have a plan to overcome the situation. But it did not include relying on an amazing intellect at all. It did, however, include dropping by the rival schools and bullying the debate teams into submission. Shizuo saw in this a chance to show Izaya that he was reliable.  
>Izaya kept his choice of debater secret. So when the big day finally arrived and Shinra and Kadota met with Izaya they were sure that they were the two other members.<br>"Almost everyone is here now! We're just waiting for Shizu-chan."  
>"He's watching?"<br>"No red eyed babies…"  
>Izaya laughed. It was annoying getting around in a wheelchair but he had something most interesting to look forward to.<br>"Not so! Shizu-chan is our ace!"  
>"What? He's in the debate team?"<br>"Indeed! Dotachin here is just backup."  
>Before Shinra could voice his astonishment Shizuo arrived.<br>"Iza-chan! So sorry I am late, I'm a bit nervous but I'm here now."  
>Shinra adjusted his glasses a few times as they waited backstage for the debate to begin.<br>"What's the big idea? We'll be the laughing stock of the entire city."  
>"And no babies either, why am I even here anyway?"<br>"Have no fear. It will play out according to my plan."  
>Izaya's plan was that when ego and reputation were on the line Shizuo would be forced to reveal his genius.<br>"What plan?"  
>"You will see. We'll win this one."<br>Kadota looked around disconsolately. And then it occurred to him that there were bound to be kids in the audience. Probably not of the really cute kind but still. He wished that people would understand his innocent love for children. Shizuo bounced their way.  
>"Man, wearing ties sucks."<br>"I'll do that for you."  
>Shizuo's heartbeat picked up insanely as Izaya did the knot. These bouts of flailing never improved Shizuo's reasoning skills.<br>"Iza-chan…I won't let you down!"  
>Shinra considered getting away before the sheer humiliation hit. Shizuo kissed Izaya clumsily, tongues slipping.<br>"Shizu-chan, debate time is now."  
>"Okay…you'll be proud of me, you'll see."<br>Shinra literally facepalmed as Shizuo walked to the podium.  
>"Izaya, this time I think you really lost it. I always suspected that you were insane but this is the last straw-"<br>"Hush now, it's starting."  
>And indeed, the theme was being announced.<br>"The Constitution of Japan contemplates in its article 9 that the country is not to remilitarize or to ever engage in hostile activity toward any nation. Taking into consideration the increasingly tense situation with North Korea, what are your thoughts on this pacifistic policy? Defending the proposition is Heiwajima Shizuo-kun from Raijin, against the proposition is Yamada Ryuichi-kun from Aoyama High School. Each party will have ten minutes."  
>Shinra threw his hands in the air.<br>"What kind of a topic is this? We're not constitutional law students!"  
>Shizuo stared blankly into space for a while. Then glared at his opponent who had been previously forced into keeping his silence if he valued his life. But Shizuo still had to say something. He coughed a few times.<br>"I think that peace is good. I mean, no one likes war. Except those crazies in North Korea, those guys are nuts. But peace is better because that way people don't die and if people don't die they are happier and can have fun together. Like, if I punch someone in the face, like Yamaguchi there, I'm sure he wouldn't like it. So we shouldn't make war with other countries."


	19. Chapter 19

Shizuo carried on:  
>"Cuz, that's wrong. It's kinda like killing people, you know? You just don't do that. At times you may have to break their legs and knock them some but without killing them and with war is the same, we shouldn't bomb folk but we may have to break their legs some. It's bad to kill people because they stay dead. Unless they turn into zombies and if that happens they'll attack us because they eat brains. And the undead are scary, you know?<br>We got to keep our brains. And if those bombs, what are they called, the really bad ones…nuc…cu…le….ar….nuclear, yeah, those, if those bombs explode on us then the zombies become toxic! We don't want that! But I'll protect Iza-chan no matter what. But it's better when it's peaceful and we get to do this and that…yeah…"  
>Izaya's jaw widened. And kept on widening until it hit the floor. Shinra shook his head, these were the ten longest minutes ever. And they were not over either.<br>"But my point is, no war! We gotta think of other countries like they're our brothers. So we must all get along! Except if they steal our dessert. Then we have to do something cuz that's just not cool. They can have their own dessert, no need to steal. I hate thieves."  
>Shizuo's rant was going into full on rage mode but fortunately he remembered his dear Iza-chan.<br>"Anyway, I am a peaceful man so I am for peace and love. Love is peace! When you think of peace you think of doing stuff with Iza-chan, I mean, I think that but you people better not! Cuz Iza-chan is like dessert! So yeah, love and peace, peace and love and kinky stuff. And when I say 'koi' I don't mean the fishies, I like those too because they swim happily, I mean the other 'koi', as in, like 'ai'. My name is written with the kanji for 'peace'! Yeah, I can read and write it. Makes me feel so special. It's a good name to have! There's a reason why you don't have people named after 'war', no wait, there is always 'Ranmaru', written like this '乱丸'!  
>As in, like 'ran' as in 'war'! That's a real bad name to have. I hope you're not called 'Ranmaru', that's bad karma right there!"<br>The befuddled panel had to intervene at this point.  
>"Heiwajima-kun, please do not address your opponent and you may now move to your conclusion arguments."<br>Shinra facepalmed.  
>"So now he knows some kanji? When it is completely random?"<br>Shizuo tried to gather the disjointed thread of his thoughts. He had just showed some impressive calligraphy skills, as impressive as he could manage at any rate, and it seemed to sap his intellectual resources that were arguably rather sparse as it was.  
>"Peace rules, war sucks, you people do as much as look at Iza-chan funny and I'll dump you in Tokyo Bay with cement on your shoes. So, peace is good, war is bad and Iza-chan is so cute."<br>The audience mumbled in its confusion. Izaya tried to slip away unnoticed but the wheel chair prevented him. And Shinra.  
>"Oh no, you're not going anywhere."<br>Meanwhile the debate went on.  
>"Yamada-kun, you have the stage."<br>"I forfeit."  
>There was a collective gasp.<br>"Forfeiting means that the other side wins by default. Regardless of how poorly argued their arguments were."  
>"I understand and still forfeit."<br>Izaya felt himself revive.  
>"How….?"<br>"I told you, Shinra! Shizu-chan is such a genius that he won without letting his intelligence show! That's the mark of a mastermind!"  
>"Are you sure…?"<br>Izaya was in awe.  
>"Point goes to Raijin….somehow."<br>Shizuo bounced his way backstage.  
>"I won! So….reward."<br>And with this Shizuo wheeled Izaya away much to Shinra's dismay. Shizuo had a vague idea that he should stay long enough to find the outcome of the debate not to mention Izaya was supposed to take the stand at one some point but all this was swept off his clouded mind.  
>"I wanna do stuff with you but you're hurt…a real man must have self-control!<br>It was a known fact that Shizuo did not score very high in that area. He hesitated some and then kissed Izaya who had to confess that Shizuo was getting better at it.  
>"Shizu-chan, I need to find out the result of the debate…"<br>"Debate…? Oh, right! To show my good will and love, I mean the peaceful kind of love, sure."


	20. Chapter 20

With no Izaya to be found and with Shinra more than unwilling to come forward as a representative of Raijin it was up to Kadota to be the next debater.  
>"In Japan the age of consent is in most cases 14 years of age. It has been argued that individuals at that age are not emotionally or even physically prepared to safely engage in sexual activity and that the statues of limitation may lead to abuses of minors. Taking this into consideration, should the law the altered? Defending the statues as they stand is Kadota Kyouhei-kun from Raijin-"<br>"Hey! Why do I have to answer that? I'm not that kind of person! I like little kids, little kids. Fourteen is too old by far. But not in that way! Stop judging me! Argh!"  
>And with this Kadota fled the scene. To everyone's utter astonishment the opponent school's representative forfeited again. As such Raijin got the point by default and thus won the entire debate competition. At this point Izaya and Shizuo returned and were informed of the result.<br>"It's amazing!"  
>"Can we really accept this prize…?"<br>"Of course we can, Shinra. A win is a win."  
>"Someone should go find Kadota. I'm afraid he'll jump off a building."<br>"He's not the type. Ah, I wish I could skip about but, alas, I cannot."  
>Shizuo scratched his head.<br>"Does this mean we won…?"  
>"We won Shizu-chan!"<br>"Great!"  
>It was the best possible scenario for Izaya. The prize money would be split by the three participants but he was sure he could leech Shizuo's part and Kadota was in no position to claim anything. Of course neither Shinra nor Izaya had to take the stand but Izaya was sure he could get this last portion easily.<br>"Everyone thinks that we're stupid pedophiles."  
>"Well, my good friend Shinra, if you think that way then I'm sure you will have no problems giving me your share of the prize money."<br>Shinra shrugged.  
>"Remind me again how I became friends with you."<br>"It's cuz Iza-chan is so popular, everyone wants to be friends with him."  
>"Ah…Shizuo, whatever happened to 'Izaya-kun, you louse, I'll kill you'?"<br>"I put that all behind me. I am a man of peace! And peace is better than war-"  
>"So it is, Shizu-chan, but debate time is over."<br>"Oh. Right."  
>Izaya was stoked to receive more money than he expected. It covered his debts which was about the best news he had heard in quite a while.<p>

As Shinra thought the teachers were not one bit happy. Raijin might have won the competition but it would have been better to lose without putting on a shameful show. Izaya was grounded (since no one dared actually ground Shizuo) and Kadota would have suffered the same fate were it not that he was absent for he had locked himself in his room, the world being such a cruel place.  
>Shinra dropped by the library to check out some reference books during lunch break. School was remarkably and unusually calm. He was about to leave when he spotted a bit of blonde hair.<br>"Shizuo? What are you doing…?"  
>Shizuo was surrounded by piles and piles of books. It was a rather surreal sight.<br>"I was trying to learn…stuff."  
>"Yes…?"<br>"Great thing you're here, you can help me!"  
>"Help you with what, exactly?"<br>"You know, I'm trying to become smarter…cuz Iza-chan is real clever so I want to become smart as well! It's not working too well…"  
>So much for Izaya's delusions about Shizuo.<br>"I don't think you have to worry too much about that."  
>"Also, I've been wondering…do you know what kind of store Izaya has?"<br>"Store? What do you mean?"  
>"Iza-ya, as in 'ya' like store. Like 'hon-ya' [bookstore]. So I guess it's a store that sells Iza, but exactly is an 'Iza'? Or is it more than one of them. As in, Izas? Dunno, it confuses me."<br>"You're getting it all wrong-"  
>"Oh my god, I get it now!"<br>Shizuo jumped to his feet and knocked down one of the piles of books.  
>"You get what, exactly?"<br>"Iza as in Iza! Which means that Izaya is selling herself! No wait, himself…it doesn't matter, it is still wrong!"  
>"How did you reach that conclusion-"<br>"No time to chat now, I must save Iza-chan!"  
>Shizuo was quite fond of saving his beloved Iza-chan. Too fond, in fact.<p> 


	21. Chapter 21

"It's not the same 'ya'…and he's gone."

Izaya did not mind being grounded all that much. It was rather annoying not to have anything at all to entertain himself in the hospital but he was debt free, with a lot of things to turn over his mind such as to dismantle Shizuo's power, and one of the nurses was really hot. So all and all it was not at all a bad arrangement.  
>He was thinking about Shizuo (nowadays Izaya spent more time thinking about Shizuo than most people did about their actual sweethearts) when said Shizuo materialized before his eyes.<br>"Hi there, Shizu-chan!"  
>Shizuo almost went on a rant about how evil it was that someone was forced to sell himself and that he would of course protect Iza-chan. But on his way to the hospital he had figured out a few things that fit in his crazy theory. If Shizuo was not exactly the most sensible of human people, to put it mildly, he had reached the conclusion that Izaya would not exactly be very open to discuss the horrors of his traumatic upbringing. As such, there was only one solution: to show Iza-chan the true power of family.<br>"Hello! I've been thinking, when you're better, will you meet my family?"  
>Normally Izaya would obviously turn down the offer but he remembered the little brother and the fridge incident. He could gain precious information.<br>"Sure!"

"You do realize…he'll be introducing you as his girlfriend, maybe even wife to be, right…?"  
>Shinra wished he had not bothered visiting Izaya.<br>"Doesn't matter. Have you ever heard about what came to be known as Matsuda effect?"  
>"I have no idea."<br>"Remember Death Note? There is a theory that the real mastermind behind the whole thing was that apparently dumb cop Matsuda, the one who lands in a mattress. If you stop and think about it how _did_ he survive even though he kept making blunder after blunder? The answer: he is actually so intelligent that he can make it appear as if he is a goofball. He could predict that there would be a convenient borderline plot device mattress when he needed one. It's the same way with Shizu-chan."  
>"I think I give up."<br>"You're just jealous."  
>"Of what…?"<br>"You're jealous that I realized Shizuo's true skills."  
>"This again…"<br>"You know that I am right."  
>"If you mean his skills in bed then I'm glad I <em>don't<em> know."  
>"Aha, very funny."<p>

Izaya was discharged soon enough and Shizuo's nerves kicked a notch. It occurred to him that his parents might say a few not too nice things about their son. So he half backpedalled.  
>"Looks like my folks are away for the weekend, what a shame! But I still have my little brother here! Kasuka, come meet Iza-chan!"<br>Kasuka had seen Izaya's picture and heard Shizuo blabber about him at length. And despite Shizuo's tendency to give the wrong idea about people Kasuka could see through it. Enough for Kasuka to be rather fond of this Orihara Izaya person.  
>Izaya was curious about Shizuo's little brother. Turns out that the boy was small, rather cute and strangely serious for his age. He did not at all look like Shizuo for which Izaya was very grateful.<br>"Hi there."  
>"Kasuka. It's me. Don't like onii-chan."<br>"Really? That's great, I don't like him either!"  
>Kasuka nodded in his tight lipped solemn way. Izaya ruffled his hair.<br>"Shizu-chan, your brother is so not like you."  
>"Fortunately. Bad genes, onii-chan got them."<br>"Smart, too!"  
>Shizuo had not predicted this reaction but Izaya seemed happy which was good.<br>"Yeah…it's all about family, you know?"  
>Before Shizuo could go off on some rant Izaya cut him short.<br>"I'm thirsty. There's this vending machine in 'bukuro that sells my favorite kind of cold tea. Be a dear and fetch it for me. Neh?"  
>"But that's so far…"<br>Izaya batted his eyes.  
>"Okay, I'll be back as soon as I can. Don't go anywhere!"<br>"Bye bee!"  
>Izaya waited until Shizuo was gone.<br>"So, Kasuka. I can see you're a smart kid so why don't you tell me, does Shizu-chan have some sort of secret? A weak point. Something like that. You should tell me, remember how he threw a fridge at you. What kind of a big brother would do that?"  
>Kasuka saw an opportunity here. He did not have a clue about what this secret could be but clearly it was something he could use to string Izaya along.<p> 


	22. Chapter 22

"Horrible onii-chan, Shizuo. I'll tell you. The secret. But first, date with you."  
>"Come again?"<br>"Date. Me and you. Better than onii-chan, you'll see. Deal?"  
>Izaya was completely surprised but he figured it was worth taking a shot. After all, he did not have any other leads.<br>"You're way too young for that kind of thing but we can go to Disneyland or something."  
>"Deal."<br>"Okay, then!"  
>Izaya shook the kid's hand.<br>"Plan. I have it."  
>"For what?"<br>"Getting rid of him. Give him clothes. Many. Put poison in some. Wait. Dead Shizuo. Then go, 'Onii-chan! You can't die and leave me alone! Onii-chan!' like that."  
>"Ah…you have a knack for acting. You should become an actor."<br>It was indeed nothing short of uncanny how Kasuka switched from deadpan murderous to weeping and grief stricken. Tears trickling down his cheeks and all.  
>"Will do."<br>"That's actually a good idea but let's not do anything too rash at the moment."  
>"Wait years if needed. Hatred, runs deep."<br>By now Izaya was a bit freaked out.  
>"I see. We see eye to eye, then."<br>"Just for you. I show you."  
>Kasuka led him to his bedroom and produced a scrapbook cleverly concealed in a compartment underneath a drawer.<br>"That's an intelligent way of concealing things."  
>"Thank you very much!"<br>Kasuka gave him his most dazzling smile. It creeped Izaya to no end.  
>"And this is…?"<br>"Pictures of nii-chan, poke the eyes with sharp things."  
>Izaya wondered if this Heiwajima was not a reincarnation of the kid from the Twilight Zone and for a second he looked around as if afraid of finding himself in a corn field.<p>

Shizuo was a bit down. It took a long time to go all the way to Ikebukuro after all and once there he realized that he did not know what kind of tea Izaya meant. So Shizuo ended up buying a can of each type which was a blow to his budget. Worse, he had wasted so much time in his precious date with Iza-chan.  
>"He must really love this tea…"<br>Shizuo sighed and headed back home. He jogged the final block and nearly collided with a sign.  
>"Oh, this is perfect! 'Valentine Day's event, looking for couples, gay couples accepted too, winner gets a free date'. Wow, that's like, perfect!"<br>Shizuo filled a form from a nearby stand and posted it. He decided to keep this a secret to surprise Iza-chan.  
>"I'm back! Hello! I said I'm back…"<br>Shizuo was very sad that Iza-chan did not rush to greet him at the entrance, followed by the mandatory suggestion of food, a bath, or Iza-chan himself. But Shizuo was one to read reality according to a strange inner logic. So seeing Izaya and Kasuka playing a card game immediately had Shizuo thinking about what a great family the three of them formed.  
>"I brought your tea! As in, all of the brands available."<br>"Thanks. I got to be going now."  
>"Why!"<br>"It's getting late and my parents will get worried."  
>Truth be told, they would not but Izaya did not want to spend any more time with the Heiwajimas.<br>"Just don't let them make you work at the store!"  
>"Store…? Anyway, see you tomorrow. Nice meeting you, Kasuka."<br>" 'Kasuka-chan'. Want to be '-chan'ed'. Am cute. Small. Adorable. Hence, 'Kasuka-chan'."  
>"Bye bye, Kasuka-chan!"<br>"I'll walk you to the station."  
>"No need."<br>Shizuo let Izaya go regretfully.  
>"Kasuka, what do you think of Iza-chan? Isn't he wonderful?"<br>"Too good for you."  
>"You think…?"<br>"Yes."  
>Shizuo completely missed any undertones to this and naturally assumed that Kasuka wanted to join the bizarre family project he had in mind.<p>

Izaya's demented theory about Shizuo made Shinra wonder despite himself. So when he saw Shizuo sigh when they received back some tests he approached his desk.  
>"Didn't do too well?"<br>"Man, this is like, so complicated. So many numbers and these thingies."  
>"Brackets…?"<br>"Is that what they're called? Yeah, those."  
>Izaya joined them.<br>"Shizu-chan! What's your score?"  
>"So bad…"<br>"Izaya got a perfect score as usual."  
>"Real smart, just needs apron, and go, 'Okaerinasai', then bath together or dinner or-"<br>"Shizuo? Hello?"  
>"What do you think about string theory?"<br>Izaya decided to slip in such compromising questions when Shizuo seemed to be spacing out. Shizuo blinked a few times.


	23. Chapter 23

"String…? Oh, G-string. I think it'd be great on you, I mean, it can't be too comfortable but it'd look hot like wow and I'd take it off anyway…phone's ringing. Hello! For real? Alright! That is so cool! Yes, he's here! The love of my life, Iza-chan. We'll be there!"  
>"Shizu-chan…?"<br>"The guys from the show just called, we got selected for the event! Aren't you happy now?"  
>"What event is this?"<br>Izaya had a very bad feeling about this.  
>"Oh yeah, I didn't tell you. I enrolled us in this Valentine Day's event thingy! We get a free date and stuff! It's kinda like a contest, I think…dunno the details but it'll be fun."<br>"You did _what_?"  
>"No need to thank me, it's all cool!"<br>Shinra snickered.  
>"Good for you, Iza-chan."<br>Shizuo suddenly grew very serious and towered above Shinra.  
>"Hey, Shinra…don't go calling my Iza-chan that. I'm his boyfriend so it's okay if I do it but you're just a friend so no '-chan'ing' him. Got it?"<br>Shinra was reminded anew that for all of Shizuo's self-proclaimed peaceful ways he could get angry over the most insignificant of things and switch to berserk mode.  
>"Sorry, I didn't mean it that way."<br>"Then you can cheer for us! Oh and Iza-chan…I've been thinking, I don't like how you have a nickname for Kadota."  
>"Never mind that now! Why do I have to go to some event with you?"<br>"'Dotachin' is like, a pet name…that's just not right. I feel so happy that you call me 'Shizu-chan', it cheapens it when you give other people nicknames like that…I want to be special since I'm the love of your life."  
>"Since when!"<br>"Like, always. Yeah. It's okay with Kasuka because he's small and also cuz he's part of our family."  
>"'Our' family…?"<br>"Yeah. We have to get ready, the show starts at six!"  
>"What, it's a show?"<br>"Yeah! We have to be there at the studio half an hour before it starts. So we have to get going right now, no time to lose!"  
>"Wait, we still have afternoon classes!"<br>"Love comes first."  
>And without further ado Shizuo dragged Izaya out of the room.<p>

Izaya could hardly believe it, before he knew it there were cameras pointed at him and a bunch of people fixing setting up the studio.  
>"Iza-chan, I'm a bit nervous but I'm sure it'll be okay as long as I remain true to my feelings."<br>And Shizuo managed to say such drivel with a big goofy grin.  
>"Look, this is a bad idea. Let's just cancel the whole thing-"<br>"No, no, no. We got to speak up about our love! Look, it's starting."  
>And indeed it was. A glossy girl appeared as the countdown reached zero.<br>"Hello and welcome to our Valentine Day's super event! We are here with an adorable gay couple, give them a round of applause! Aw, high school uniforms, so you guys are students?"  
>"Yes m'am!"<br>Izaya tried to simply make a run for it but Shizuo held hands with him. So much for that.  
>"Shizuo-kun, tell the audience how you two met."<br>"It was, like, when we both started high school. Shinra introduced me to this skinny kid with red eyes, that was Izaya, and I knew right away he was a louse and that I should get rid of him so I tried to do that but he dodged- he's fast like wow- and then he got this switchblade and cut me across the chest. Hurt like hell, still got a scar, want to see?"  
>And with this Shizuo made as if to undress.<br>"No need, we believe you. So…it was something of a rocky start, then?"  
>"I guess."<br>"Why don't you tell us about it, Izaya-kun?"  
>Izaya sobbed.<br>"Someone just kill me, please. Make the pain end."  
>"Iza-chan just left the hospital recently!"<br>"Really? What happened?"  
>"He was very sick but the power of love cured him."<br>Apparently Shizuo had forgotten about the vending machine falling on Izaya or the earthquake incident. It was not unusual for Shizuo's memory to be somewhat fluid, for lack of a better word.  
>"That is amazing, Izaya-kun please tell us all about it."<br>"Hey, don't ask too many questions. Iza-chan is shy. Like, he couldn't even confess his feelings for me, I found out by accident. Except it was actually fate that brought us together! Written in the stars! But no kanji in the stars, I mean, that's like totally weird. But I believe in the red thread of fate and love."  
>Izaya seriously considered banging his head against the microphone. With some luck he might die and put an end to his misery.<p> 


	24. Chapter 24

"You're a romantic, Shizuo-kun! But say, how is it to be a gay couple in Japan?"  
>Shizuo rubbed his chin.<br>"Hmm…how is it, I dunno, I mean we haven't been together for a long time but there were no problems going to the love hotel-"  
>"<em>Don't<em> tell her that!"  
>"'kay."<br>"How about friends and family?"  
>"I haven't told my parents yet, cuz they weren't at home but my little brother is all for and we're going to raise him together like a real family-"<br>"What. The. Hell?"  
>"So you're really into family life, Shizuo-kun?"<br>"Yeah! It's like, important."  
>Shizuo dragged the host to have a few words in private. With all the microphones around.<br>"We don't talk about Iza-chan's family, you see. His parents force him to work at a store."  
>"A store…?"<br>"One of _those_ stores."  
>She had no idea of what those were but it was clear that these guests were bound to bring in a lot of viewers. The ratings were going through the roof.<br>"So, how is school life for you two?"  
>"Iza-chan is so smart, he gets perfect grades all the time! And he's popular, everyone thinks that Iza-chan is sexy and great."<br>"How about you, Shizuo-kun?"  
>"I'm no good at school, I try and study, like, so hard but I guess I'm just dumb like that."<br>Shizuo gave them his super goofy smile, complete with scratching his head and all. Something snapped inside Izaya.  
>"It's all an act! He pretends to be stupid but he's in fact a genius! That's right, I'm calling you out!"<br>Shizuo gasped loudly.  
>"That's so nice of you to say, Iza-chan…I'm not too smart but it touches me that you'd say I'm like clever. It's so sweet of you!"<br>Shizuo patted Izaya's head. The host piped in.  
>"Must be the power of love at work again! You two are so perfect together. It's a shame you can't get married."<br>Shizuo gasped again this time in sheer shock.  
>"Why not? I want to marry as soon as we graduate!"<br>"It's illegal in Japan…"  
>"It is? Where does it say so? And why?"<br>Izaya jabbed a finger in Shizuo's direction.  
>"It is stated in the constitution for one! Article 24, and I quote, 'Marriage shall be based only on the mutual consent of both sexes and it shall be maintained through mutual cooperation with the equal rights of husband and wife as a basis. 2) With regard to choice of spouse, property rights, inheritance, choice of domicile, divorce and other matters pertaining to marriage and the family, laws shall be enacted from the standpoint of individual dignity and the essential equality of the sexes.' So <em>there<em>!"  
>"Man, that constitution thing again! Thought there were only 9 of them, what are they called again…articles. This is bad, I think, not too sure what the constitution, er, constitutes but if it's like a law-"<br>"Not 'like a law', it is the foundational cornerstone of the entire legislative edifice."  
>"-but I guess there's only one thing to do. Change the constitution!"<br>"That's borderline impossible. If it could be done so easily it would have been changed by now!"  
>Shizuo seemed to be deep in thought.<br>"Hmm…then we have to ask the emperor to help!"  
>"What? What for! The emperor has no actual legislative power and even if he did why would he help?"<br>"Cuz he is a nice guy. And no matter how you look at it, it's unfair that I can't marry the love of my life! Emperor-sama, Heisei-sama, please help us out here!"  
>And Shizuo properly bowed.<br>"…are you implying that the emperor is watching this show?"  
>"You never know! I trust Heisei-sama! First of all, he's got to be almost immortal!"<br>"Oh god, I have got to ask…how and why did you reach that conclusion?"  
>"Well, he's been around since forever! You know how each era is named after emperors? Like, 'Heian' was ages ago but he's still around! He's got to be immortal!"<br>"'Heian'…is not… 'Heisei'…you got it right just a while ago! And Heian is named after Kyoto, KYOTO! Except it was called Heian-kyou, wait that's not the issue here!"  
>"Yeah! What matters is getting you all frilled up in a wedding dress and getting married to me! Ohoh, wedding night…"<br>The host decided to intervene.  
>"You two could always join a gay rights activism group."<br>"What is that and where do I sign in!"  
>Izaya facepalmed.<br>"Just who told you I'd marry you even if it were legal?"


	25. Chapter 25

Shizuo shook his head.  
>"Now, now, you can't not marry after doing this and that with the person you love…I'm really old fashioned about this kind of thing, sex means marriage and living together forever."<br>"Your brain is stuck in the Heian era! Only with gay undertones!"  
>"Don't worry Iza-chan, I'll be a good husband to you."<br>Izaya was close to foaming at the mouth. He forced himself to take a deep breath.  
>"How about you do a hunger strike in front of the Diet to persuade legislators to change the constitution?"<br>It was beyond unlikely to actually work but it might kill Shizuo if Izaya was lucky.  
>"The Diet! What is…the Diet?"<br>"The Diet, the bloody parliament, the bi-chamber legislative organ of your own country! How can you not know that? You're just doing this to annoy me! Argh! Why do I let it get to me!"  
>Izaya hyperventilated, having by now almost forgotten the cameras.<br>"Wow, the parliament is bi too? What do you know!"  
>"Not that kind of bi!"<br>"Oh, is this like 'koi'? Like, you say 'koi' but you mean it like 'ai' but people may think you mean the pretty fishies, they are 'koi' too-"  
>"No, no it is not at all like that! And if you have so many problems with 'koi' just use 'ai'! AI! 'Ai' as in 'Aishiteru'!"<br>Shizuo wiped a tear and held his hands suddenly.  
>"Iza-chan, I love you too. I'm so, so happy you finally admitted how you feel to me, our relationship is like, getting to the next stage-"<br>"No it isn't! I didn't mean- oh fuck it, I can't win, can I?"  
>"We can win together! And get married."<br>Izaya broke out crying.  
>"Aw, I see how emotional you are about this."<br>"Why can't you just die, why, _why_!"  
>"Yeah, we'll be together in our next lives too! So even when we die we will still be together!"<br>The host called for a close-up and rejoiced, this was pure gold.  
>"Congratulations! You guys just won a cruise trip for two! To…Hawaii!"<br>The audience cheered.  
>"For real?"<br>"Yes, Shizuo-kun! All expenses paid!"  
>"…it is Murphy's law!"<br>Izaya nearly screamed. Shizuo gently wiped his tears.  
>"There, there, no more talk of laws now."<br>The host tiptoed to Shizuo to whisper into his ear,  
>"How about you just kiss him?"<br>Shizuo took the cue immediately and went for a deep kiss, complete with leaning against Izaya, hand on Izaya's back, perfect for another close-up of epic proportions. Izaya was mid protest but there was no talking when Shizuo had his mouth over his and was sucking the air out of him. Clearly the curse lived on.

Kasuka was watching the show and at this point frowned darkly. He would of course save Izaya but not just now. The trick was to make Izaya suffer enough so that he would be forever grateful when Kasuka finally saved him. As for Shizuo's plan of changing the law Kasuka thought it ridiculous.  
>"Stupid nii-chan. No changing law. Become rich, grow up, take Iza-chan to Europe. Marry. Iza-chan can be housewife. First, must stowaway on cruise ship."<br>Kasuka proceeded to pack. It was quite possible that Izaya had taken the wrong Heiwajima for a genius. But that too suited Kasuka quite fine.

Izaya hoped that the school would not approve the cruise from hell. Unfortunately the school was more than happy to have two of its most problematic students away for a while. Worse, the dean strongly recommended him to remain 'friendly' with Shizuo if he wanted to avoid further repercussions from the debate incident. Apparently 'love' made Shizuo a new man and one less prone to violence. Given the damage done to school property by Shizuo's rampages the school was very pleased with the present outcome.  
>"And when you say 'koi' you mean 'love', not the fish, I gather?"<br>The dean was confused at the question but Izaya was known for being a smartass. To make things even worse a flock of girls rushed to him right away.  
>"Izaya, so it's true that you're gay? Kya! I saw the show yesterday, it was so adorable! Can we watch next time you do…'this and that' with Shizuo? He's your boyfriend, right? Or is it fiancé?"<br>Izaya could have killed them. Instead he pointed and went,  
>"Oh look, hot Visual Kei guys making out!"<br>"Where?"  
>They turned around and that was all it took for Izaya to disappear.<p> 


	26. Chapter 26

"A cruise trip, huh. Ah, I wish I could take Celty on a romantic cruise to Hawaii."  
>"Want to trade places with me? Please?"<br>"The tickets are already on your and Shizuo's name."  
>Shinra thought it highly unfair. Izaya sighed and hid his face against his folded arms. The only good part about this insanity was that Shizuo had skipped school, unfortunately it was only so that he could buy things for the amazing journey at hand.<br>"I thought that my parents would at least be opposed to it but no! They were all happy that I finally have a friend! What is wrong with people! I have plenty of friends, I don't need rapist Shizuo!"  
>"Cheer up, as long as they don't make you work at the store."<br>Shinra was poking fun at Izaya who missed it completely for he was far too busy obsessing and drawing extremely bizarre parallels.  
>"This really is becoming Liar Game…and the worst part is, I'm Nao! Shizu-chan is Akiyama! Somehow! Except Akiyama is working against Nao!"<br>"Who are these people…?"  
>"Doesn't matter, at least I have Heiwajima junior. Unless…"<br>"Unless…?"  
>"Unless Kasuka is only pretending to hate his brother but in fact they are double teaming against me!"<br>"Isn't he a bit too young for that?"  
>Shinra did not exactly understand how a kid could be at all useful to Izaya but then again Shinra did not know sweet Kasuka-chan.<br>"Also, can I really trust someone who wants to backstab his own brother…?"

But Izaya had to tone down the paranoia to deal with the challenge at hand which included surviving on board with Shizuo.  
>"Woah! Look at that, it's like so huge! And we got a special honeymoon suite! So cool!"<br>Izaya tried to console himself, at least the room was big enough not to feel cramped with Shizuo there. And the ship was indeed as big as a city.  
>"Iza-chan, we have to celebrate this…"<br>"What do you mean?"  
>Shizuo placed Izaya in bed very gently and then ruined his niceties by clambering on top of him and proceeding to divest him of clothes.<br>"So cute…!"  
>"What the hell, no matter how you look at it, this is rape!"<br>Shizuo kissed him deeply and then gave him a goofy smile.  
>"Don't be a silly head, it's not rape when there is love involved! I heard this from <em>aniki<em>."  
>Clearly Shiki was having fun at the expense of Izaya's pain. Meanwhile Izaya was mostly naked and quite terrified. Something occurred to him.<br>"Shizu-chan, can I have some time to prepare for this…?"  
>"Oh, I almost forgot! I got plenty of stuff for doing stuff. See?"<br>And with that Shizuo opened a suitcase to reveal that it was filled to the brim with condoms and lube. Izaya blinked many a time.  
>"Just how many condoms did you bring? You're not planning on using them all, right…?"<br>"Sure am! Cuz this is like, anticipated honeymoon."  
>"Don't I have a saying on this…?"<br>"Sure you do, you can decide how you want me to do it."  
>"And that's it?"<br>"Yeah, I'm generous like that!"  
>Izaya knew that it was pointless to argue at this point.<br>"How about we do this my way for once? Just let me ride you."  
>For a long moment of silence Izaya wondered if Shizuo's brain had melted inside his head. It would account for the glazed look on his face.<br>"Wow, it's too hot for words….just thinking about it…"  
>"…are you drooling…?"<br>Shizuo kicked off his clothes and pounced.  
>"Shizu-chan! You're supposed to let me handle this!"<br>"Sorry, I forget!"  
>Izaya sighed. At least Shizuo had provided a lot of lube that Izaya now used to coat his fingers one of which he slowly inserted inside himself. It would be embarrassing no matter what the circumstances but it was tenfold worse with Shizuo staring intently with his eyes comically wide.<br>"Could you not stare so much?"  
>"But, but, it's like porn in real life! Not that I watch porn anymore!"<br>"I really don't care if you do or don't."  
>"No, no, it's wrong. Cuz when you have someone special you shouldn't do stuff like watching porn…unless we watch it together! Then it's A-okay!"<br>"What's with that twisted logic?"  
>"It's how love works!"<br>In the same spirit Shizuo decided to help out Izaya rubbing a very solid and big erection against Izaya's budding one. Izaya squirmed and gasped a bit despite himself. Shizuo was just about ready to jump on Izaya but to his credit he held back.


	27. Chapter 27

"What should I do, Iza-chan…"  
>Izaya took a deep breath to steady himself.<br>"Don't do anything."  
>"Okay…"<br>It was not what Shizuo wanted to hear but he had no complaints as Izaya slowly lowered himself until Shizuo's entire length was lodged inside tight warmth. Even if Izaya saw fit to use one of the many condoms. Truth be told Shizuo would rather not use them at all but he had bothered to pack a whole suitcase full as a sign of respect. Needless to say Izaya knew nothing of this nor would he care much.  
>"…big…"<br>By now Izaya was rethinking his strategy but there was nothing he could do but close his eyes and try to adjust to the scalding intrusion. Shizuo squeezed Izaya's pert ass and Izaya moaned under his breath.  
>"Aw, Iza-chan is so cute when he's horny…"<br>Izaya narrowed his eyes into slits.  
>"No sappy talk when we do it. Understood?"<br>Shizuo nodded eagerly.  
>"Bossy, too…"<br>Izaya sighed and shifted his body slightly. And ended up gasping as his soft spot was brushed. For a while Izaya took a few more deep breaths. He was trembling slightly and felt a bit weak. It turned out that what Izaya had in mind was considerably more difficult in practical terms than he had expected. For one, Izaya needed to use his thighs to hold unto Shizuo which was rather difficult since sweaty skin slipped on sweaty skin. Also, Izaya's arms trembled and did not feel up to the challenge.  
>Shizuo helped him out by planting his hands on Izaya's hips to hold him in place and lift him, bringing him down almost gently.<br>"Hng…"  
>"You're hard already…"<br>"No horrible dirty talk either. Actually, just don't speak."  
>Izaya tried to be at his most commanding but it was not easy when he was oozing on Shizuo's lap, blushing furiously and panting heavily. All of which Shizuo found so hot and cute. Quite against his will Izaya was very needy but he could not do anything but slump against Shizuo's chest. Shizuo read him easily and without breaking contact eased Izaya on his back and sheathed himself all the way to the hilt in the same movement. Izaya's whole body jolted but he caught the drift right away by wrapping his long legs around Shizuo. At this point Izaya simply blocked out the fact that it was Shizuo pounding him deeply and picking up speed with each thrust. Which he might have accomplished, Izaya was getting more and more caught up in the rush of the moment, were it not for the fact that Shizuo stopped mid-way to peer into his eyes and say in all seriousness,<br>"So much love for you, Iza-chan."  
>Izaya tried to roll his eyes but a harder thrust unhinged his control altogether. Shizuo pinned him down and devoured him with sloppy kissed to which Izaya could not even properly reply to. Izaya laced his arms around him for extra leverage and rocked in tandem with Shizuo.<br>Izaya's vision grew white as orgasm exploded on him. He did not even care for Shizuo's grunts as he too reached climax. Izaya basked in the sizzling heat of pleasure and smiled contently at nothing in particular. But of course Shizuo was sure that it meant that their love was ever so strong. Shizuo was a firm believer in post coital spooning as well and on plenty of kissing. Izaya would rather be left alone and he needed a shower, too. He was thinking that he needed to check out the bathroom, maybe there would be a fancy Jacuzzi, one could always hope, when Shizuo reluctantly withdrew.  
>"Oh no, something has got to be wrong!"<br>Shizuo held the almost bursting condom with a shocked expression that Izaya could only see through half closed eyes.  
>"Something is wrong? I don't even know how and where to start."<br>"My jizz has turned blue!"  
>"…it's a colored condom…"<br>"Oh, you're right! Phew, for a sec there I was like so afraid! Thought I'd be having blue kids or something."  
>"Ah…"<br>Izaya drifted away in a sublime afterglow and just ignored Shizuo's stupid antics. Which was just as well since sex made Shizuo more talkative than usual.  
>"You know, I wrote a letter to the Diet place saying that I want to marry you and be together forever."<br>"Hmm…good for you, Shizu-chan."  
>"I'm so happy you are ready to accept me as your future husband!"<br>Izaya crawled on his side and yawned. In reality he not even heard Shizuo.


	28. Chapter 28

"That's wonderful."  
>"Yeah! Like I said in the letter it's like, all about love."<br>"Letter you say?"  
>Izaya bothered to open his eyes and pay some minimal amount of attention, having occurred to him that he must always be on his guard with Shizuo.<br>"The letter to the Diet where I told the people there to make gay marriage legal in the name of our love!"  
>"You…did…what?"<br>"Impressive, isn't it?"  
>"Did you mention me by name in this letter?"<br>"Of course."  
>Izaya suddenly sat up and regretted it immediately, he hurt in places he did not know existed.<br>"Why did you do that? And why involve me in your craziness!"  
>"Cuz it's about my love for you and your love for me! And like I told them, if they don't do as I say I'll have to break a few of their legs."<br>"_What_? You do realize that threatening members of the Diet can be seen as a criminal action?"  
>"It's not something I want to do. My peaceful ways are true. But if I really have to then I really have to! Some times a man has got to do what a man's got to do!"<br>Shizuo thought that he sounded extremely convincing. Izaya disagreed. Izaya's only consolation was that the odds of anyone in the Diet even picking up the letter were slim to none. Izaya shook his head and sighed.  
>"Iza-chan, let's go on a tour of the ship!"<br>"Later."  
>"But- but-"<br>"I said _later_."  
>"Eek, still so bossy. But it's okay, it's kinda neat. Just like a married couple!"<br>"Where do I get a divorce?"  
>"Silly you! Why worry about that when our love is immortal?"<br>"Can I just get some sleep?"  
>"But I want to talk about us! Iza-chan…? Hello, Iza-chan…?"<br>But Izaya was already asleep.

Izaya was having a beautiful dream. He had special shoes with spikes attached and was merrily stomping on Shizuo. Sadly the sweet dream came to an all too abrupt end. Izaya woke up with Shizuo shaking him and rambling rapidly about something or other. It took Izaya a while to even understand what Shizuo was going on about.  
>"The ship, it's sinking!"<br>Izaya snapped awake at this and scrambled for his clothes. Which was not as easy as it might seem, it hurt all over.  
>"It's sinking? How come there is no alarm…?"<br>"I don't know but it's totally sinking, we got to hurry to the lifeboats!"  
>And with this Shizuo picked up Izaya and ran to the deck where he proceeded to gesticulate frantically.<br>"See? All that water! There must be a huge hole for that much water to get inside!"  
>Izaya blinked. And blinked again.<br>"Shizu-chan? That's…a…swimming pool."  
>"But there's water in it!"<br>"Of course there is! That's why it's a _swimming pool_!"  
>Izaya was close to screaming.<br>"But…water in a ship, won't it sink it?"  
>"No. No, it won't."<br>"Are you sure?"  
>"I'm sure. Didn't you find it weird that no one was panicking or trying to board the lifeboats?"<br>"Didn't notice that, all I knew is that I had to save Iza-chan."  
>Izaya dragged himself back to the cabin.<br>"Every time you try to 'save Iza-chan' I end up almost dying! There's no way you're not doing this on purpose!"  
>"I'm clumsy but my heart is in a good place. I always try my very best."<br>"…imagine if you weren't! Look, if you want to protect me so much how about you be on a lookout for sharks?"  
>"I'm on it!"<br>Izaya could not believe it but Shizuo bolted back to the deck and thus Izaya was finally alone.  
>"Thank god, I thought I was stuck with him for good."<br>"Hello."  
>Izaya blinked anew. In front of him stood a little girl in a frilly dress, a familiar face with rather empty looking eyes.<br>"Kasuka…? Why are you wearing that…? And how did you even get on board?"  
>"Stowaway. Crossdress. Fool nii-chan. Will work."<br>"But won't your parents be worried?"  
>"Told parents, school trip. Told school, family trip. No worries."<br>"That is rather clever, no wait, you can't just stowaway like this."  
>"Can do. Big ship. Stole card key to empty cabin. Stay there. Have food. Will be fine."<br>Izaya was impressed despite himself.  
>"That is pretty amazing for someone your age."<br>Kasuka granted him a shiny smile that was only short on flowers blooming to become downward scary.  
>"Thank you very much, Iza-chin!"<br>"…-chin? Why do I have a feeling I am getting demoted here…"  
>"Will help you fight. Am your friend. Always."<br>"Thanks for the concern, Kasuka."  
>"'Kasuka-chan'. Want '-chan'."<p> 


	29. Chapter 29

"Ah…Kasuka-chan."  
>"Am always close. Will help."<br>Izaya felt weirdly reassured by this despite the creepy undertones. But of course he did not know that Kasuka had managed to sneak into the air conducts and crawled over the ceiling all the way to the honeymoon cabin and very much like Ceiling Cat had watched everything between Shizuo and Izaya. Most people in Kasuka's situation would put a stop to it but not so Kasuka. Instead he watched for some pointers, took mental notes and honed his tactics for ensnaring Izaya.  
>"Thanks, I guess."<br>"But now. We play."  
>And thus Izaya was dragged to one of the lounges where he spent hours playing mahjong with Kasuka. That alone was weird but Izaya kept losing which was stranger.<br>"Kasuka-chan, about the way to defeat Shizu-chan…how about you give me a hint or two?"  
>"Iza-chin. Isn't trying. Sad now. Play game."<br>"Ah…I had no idea little kids were into mahjong."  
>"Favorite game. Make money out of it."<br>"Seems like you have some rather shady friends."  
>"Connections. I have them."<br>Izaya decided that he better be careful around Heiwajima junior for all sorts of reasons. He was entertaining in such thoughts when the voice he hated so much reached him.  
>"Iza-chan, you'll never believe what happened!<br>"What now…"  
>"So I was on shark patrol like you told me when I met this kid and guess what, turns out he's your son! Yes, your son lives!"<br>Izaya did fall from the chair. As if by magic Kasuka had disappeared and Izaya would have seriously wondered if he hallucinated the entire thing if he had not more pressing matters to attend to.  
>"My son? What are you talking about?"<br>"Like, I met him and all! Here he is, looks just like you!"  
>And indeed Izaya spotted a kid that looked somewhat like him standing next to Shizuo. It took Izaya a split second to actually remember the imaginary embryo from hell.<br>"Shizu-chan, you do realize that Namie had a tragic miscarriage, right?"  
>"It must be a miracle!"<br>"Okay…let us suppose she lied, it is still absolutely impossible that I could have possibly be the father of that kid. I must have been around ten when he was born! Why won't you use your brain! On second thought, _don't_ use it."  
>Shizuo scratched his head.<br>"Gee, Iza-chan you're forgetting the artificial womb…I've seen that kind of stuff on movies, it makes babies grow faster! And there you go, almost instant kid! Say hello to Aoba!"  
>Izaya facepalmed. Shizuo's memory tended to be goldfish like, that it picked up this up this particular point to suddenly work properly was suspicious.<br>"Hey dad, can I get my alimony now?"  
>"The hell, you little shit! You're just trying to make a yen at my expense!"<br>"We get to add a new member to our family! Let's call it 'Heiwahara'!"  
>"Let's throw you overboard!"<br>"Like I said, alimony."  
>The kid was merrily chewing some gum so Izaya could see the oddly shaped teeth.<br>"Look here, Shark Teeth. You must think you're ever so smart to squeeze some money out of me but I'll have you know that a very simple DNA test will prove you wrong on all counts. Not that I even have to justify myself but you should know that I can call you out on your bullshit."  
>The little boy laughed.<br>"Wow, he even laughs like you!"  
>"Daddy dearest, you're forgetting something. We're on a ship, you can't get any DNA testing until we return to Japan. It'll take a long time."<br>"You little bastard!"  
>"Now, now, Iza-chan. I know you're nervous about this and emotional but there's no need to use bad language around children."<br>"Like you have any right to say that! You threw a fridge at your own kid brother! That's fucked up!"  
>"But he stole my dessert…"<br>"As if that's a reason!"  
>"About my alimony-"<br>"And you shut up! Alimony? You're just making it all up!"  
>Izaya was getting exceedingly worked up. Aoba blew a balloon of gum that snapped with a loud bang.<br>"I'm not, I'm your son and I expect some alimony."  
>"No, no you're not! I don't even need a bloody DNA test! You can't be my son because Namie made it all up! That's right! There was never any kid to begin with! It's all a fabrication! Do you hear the words I'm saying? It's an invention, a hundred per cent! I haven't even had sex with a woman yet! So fuck you, Shark Teeth, you can go leech money off some sucker who is dumb enough to- oh…<em>shit<em>."


	30. Chapter 30

Izaya nearly fainted at his own utter carelessness. With a yellow smile he decided to go for,  
>"This is…Liar Game, so lying is to be expected? Heh…"<br>Shizuo knitted his brows closely and it occurred to Izaya that there was running away in a ship. And of course the little imp was chuckling wickedly. Izaya could do with Kasuka's connections at this point but none were forthcoming. Just when he was sure that all was lost Shizuo gave him a big hug.  
>"Iza-chan, you don't have to say anything else. I understand everything! Aw, I love you even more now!"<br>"Eh…?"  
>"Your parents forced you to work at the store, the trauma must be great! So you wanted to form your own family and that evil Namie girl lied to you! But you found out. Poor Iza-chan!"<br>"Wow, the blonde dude is totally dumb!"  
>Aoba believed that this insightful albeit tactless remark needed be made.<br>"Shizu-chan…? What are you talking about…?"  
>"It's okay, I know you don't want to talk about the store! How horrible to make you sell yourself, that's like, totally wrong. But that woman, to make you suffer so much over a fictional child, that is, just so mean! It breaks my heart! But you gotta look on the bright side, nothing bad really happened. We can form our very own family and be happy."<br>To Izaya's absolute stupefaction there were tears glistening in Shizuo's eyes. Izaya could hardly believe this batshit crazy explanation. It was random but Izaya was not complaining, at least this assured that Shizuo was not about to go berserk on him.  
>"Ah, right…happiness…is important."<br>Izaya did not even care that he sounded slightly brain dead.  
>"Yeah! You deserve all the happiness in the world, Iza-chan!"<br>At times it is when things look most desperate that inspiration comes to one. Suddenly an idea dawned on Izaya on how to make sure Shizuo never jumped on him again. He composed himself as much as possible and put on a poker face.  
>"Shizu-chan, much love. We have it."<br>It was something of a gamble but after all this was Liar Game, somehow. And at least he did not have an exorbitant debt at this point. Shizuo blinked it.  
>"Oh…you remind me of someone just now! Who is it again…"<br>Izaya gloated without letting it all show. This was going according to plan but it was best not to be careful. Shizuo was rather obtuse so Izaya decided to make a push for it by standing next to a full length mirror and going, in all seriousness.  
>"Look like Kasuka. Me."<br>Shizuo seemed as if in a daze. It was with effort that Izaya kept the deadpan façade.  
>"Oh I see it now! This is…so perfect!"<br>"Say what…?"  
>"Like, this way we can be a family and look like one too…it's not like I care too much about appearances but it'll make things easier, more, it is fate! It shows that we have been a family from the very start!"<br>"I don't…I don't even…!"  
>"I see, you're too happy to speak."<br>Izaya choked.  
>"You can't be serious!"<br>"And Aoba-kun too, I'm sure he wants to join the family as well!"  
>This was when Aoba realized that he should have fled before everything became too crazy.<br>"He just wants my money! The world is totally against me! Why all this Orihara Izaya hate!"  
>"I think I'll be going now-"<br>"Welcome to the Heiwahara family! Man, it's like, cool."  
>Shizuo shook hands with Aoba, nearly breaking his hand. Izaya sobbed.<br>"I try so hard, so hard, nothing goes my way."  
>"It's 'Peaceful Field', I took 'Heiwa' from my name and 'Hara' from yours, it's so perfect-"<br>"I got it the first time around! You don't have to explain it like I am retarded!"  
>"Iza-chan! So you accept it! I am moved, I really am! But you know, now that we have a family we still need our private time together as a couple…I mean, that's real important. I heard it on TV."<br>Aoba burst out laughing.  
>"Red Eyes dude is so getting raped! Haha, served him right!"<br>Izaya glared at Aoba with all his might. Which of course had no effect other than make Aoba laugh harder. This was Kasuka's cue. He bumped into Aoba from behind and knocked him down after which he proceeded to stomp on him, carefully holding the skirts of his beautiful dress and going,  
>"So sorry! I'm a blind little girl and I can't see what it's going on! Just feel like jumping up and down!"<p> 


	31. Chapter 31

"Stop- you- little bitch!"  
>Aoba's voice came in jolts as Kasuka kept on stomping, having donned heavy but pretty boots just for the occasion. Shizuo smiled broadly.<br>"Aw, look at that Iza-chin! Kids playing sure is a cute sight, isn't it?"  
>"The-hell-"<br>"I want to buy some candy as I am adorable."  
>"There, have some money. Such a pretty little girl."<br>Izaya had to pinch himself to make sure he was not having a very strange dream. Aoba tried to squirm away but to no avail, Kasuka was relentless even as he did a bow and pocketed the money Shizuo gave him.  
>"Aoba-kun, we gotta go looking for sharks again. You like sharks, don't you? It'll be fun!"<br>"For god's sake, just make the pain go away!"  
>"Bye bye, Aoba-<em>kun<em>!"  
>Shizuo dragged a considerably battered Aoba down the corridor and soon they were gone. Izaya blinked once and then flung his arms around Kasuka.<br>"Kasuka-chan, you saved me! Thank you! How can I ever repay you!"  
>Izaya forgot all about his suspicious about junior Heiwajima. It was one of Kasuka's happiest moments in his entire life.<br>"No need."  
>Of course Kasuka had quite a few future plans for Izaya to make up to him, some of which included a bridal dress others that included ropes placed strategically.<br>"Ah, Kasuka-chan. You're heaven sent."  
>Kasuka took the chance for hugging him back. And held on. And on.<br>"Kasuka-chan…? Let go of me now, please?"  
>"Okay."<br>"But what was that talk about a store…? Did you catch that?"  
>"Was hiding in wall. Heard it. Nii-chan's mind, is strange. I explain."<br>"Wow, so you can even follow his way of thinking?"  
>Izaya was beginning to realize that Kasuka was the ultimate trump card. They moved to a lounge.<br>"Yes. Much practice. Nii-chan thinks this, 'Iza-ya, 'ya' as in 'store', what kind of store, a store that sells 'Iza', what is 'Iza', 'Iza' is person. Iza-chan is selling himself, oh noes!'"  
>Izaya widened his eyes almost comically. Kasuka made a mental note to buy Izaya a red dress when he could afford to do such things, it would go beautifully with his eyes. And of course this cruise was a chance of sampling honeymoon destinations. Kasuka planned ahead.<br>"That is absolutely random! My name isn't even written with the same kanji for 'store'!"  
>"Nii-chan is bad with kanji."<br>"It seems to be so…but Kasuka-chan, how do I keep him from jumping on me?"  
>Kasuka actually smiled. It chilled Izaya to the bone.<br>"Simple. Say you're on your period."  
>"Huh? No way he'll buy that!"<br>"Will buy it. Trust me."  
>"Ah…I suppose I can always try it…are you sure he won't attack me?"<br>"Won't attack."  
>Currently Izaya was in danger of being attacked by another Heiwajima altogether. As for 'Heiwahara' Kasuka thought it absurdly, it should obviously be 'Orijima'.<p>

Unexpected ally or not, Izaya was still a bit suspicious. As night arrived and they retired to their cabin Izaya decided to test Shizuo to see just how accurate Kasuka's reasoning was.  
>"Shizu-chan…"<br>Shizuo was fumbling with his mountain of condoms. He would rather not wear any and was going to ask just that under the pretext that it was more romantic. And it was not even a pretext as far as Shizuo knew, his ideas about romance were as skewed as the rest of his conceptions.  
>"What is it, love of my life?"<br>Izaya's eyebrows twitched.  
>"I was wondering…how did you know about the store?"<br>Shizuo grew very grave and held Izaya's hand.  
>"Cuz of your name. Iza-ya as in 'store'. When I put it all together, it broke my heart! I was so sorry for you!"<br>"Oh my god, it's actually true…!"  
>"Yeah, I like got it, maybe cuz I have a special sixth sense when love is concerned? And speaking about love…you know, it's been a while since we did this and that…"<br>Izaya decided to just go for it. He could always pretend it was a joke if it failed.  
>"About that…I'm sorry but my period just started and that kind of thing is-"<br>"Iza-chan! Say no more!"  
>"Eh…?"<br>"We can't be too careful when it comes to this. I totally understand, I won't touch you at all. Didn't know guys had that too but you're so cute and girlish that it makes sense."  
>"…I…don't…even."<br>"Do you need some pills? Maybe some special food? I want you to be as comfortable as possible! Oh and don't be embarrassed to tell me all about it, it's part of being together, this kind of thing."


	32. Chapter 32

Izaya had indeed come up with a plan (with plenty of help from Kasuka) of avoiding Shizuo's crazy sex drive. However, it did absolutely nothing to get rid of Shizuo. In fact, it might have made it worse since Shizuo was now constantly around Izaya. It was enough to drive anyone insane and especially Izaya. On top of everything Shizuo had decided that if Iza-chan was sick then it followed that he should not leave the cabin.  
>Izaya now woke up and tried to squirm away to no avail. Shizuo had his arms around him and there was no escaping, asleep or not. Izaya cursed himself and puberty. This was a bad time to get hard but there was no way out of it. Other than tiptoe to the bathroom to take care of business.<br>Izaya managed to turn around in bed so that he was facing Shizuo. He had felt something poking his back and now realized that it was indeed Shizuo's erection, the tip of which Izaya could catch just over the band of his bulging underwear. Izaya swallowed and tried to clear his mind. It was not easy. All this contact and fear were driving him insane.  
>Izaya ended up rubbing himself against all reason. He did not mean it but somehow he brushed against Shizuo's hardness and had to bite a moan. Izaya grew absolutely still with baited breath. Just when Izaya was beginning to relax Shizuo blinked and opened his eyes.<br>"Eh, Shizu-chan-"  
>"Aw, nice dream I'm having! Can't do stuff with you in reality now but this is dreamland, so it's all cool!"<br>Izaya could not even protest because Shizuo was already kissing him and merrily undressing him.  
>"Woah, Iza-chan, looks like you're revved for this too! Gotta turn on the light."<br>Shizuo was so happy and goody that it might even be touching. Unless you happened to be Orihara Izaya. In that case it was just infuriating.  
>"Shizu-chan, will you wait a sec already!"<br>"No need to wait in dreams!"  
>And if to make the point Shizuo pried him open and buried his entire length in one thrust.<br>"That _hurts_ like hell, you bastard!"  
>Shizuo wiped some rebel strands of hair off Izaya's forehead and smiled broadly.<br>"Silly Iza-chan, there's no pain in dreams!"  
>Izaya could have cried. All he could do was cling to Shizuo for dear life. Shizuo misunderstood this for eagerness and wasted no time pounding away.<br>"…so tight…!"  
>"Oh shut up."<br>Izaya did not even care if Shizuo just killed him at this point. And as Shizuo lifted up Izaya's legs and thus changed the angle in just the right way, Izaya ceased to care about anything at all other than the hot roaring pleasure soaring through him. Izaya dug his nails into Shizuo's back hard enough to draw blood. It matched Izaya's hate and the way it mixed and became indissoluble from the dizzying feeling flowing madly in his blood stream.  
>Shizuo shot his load deep inside just as Izaya climaxed. Izaya skillfully wrapped his legs around Shizuo to keep him locked just where he should be.<br>"I love it when you get all horny, Iza-chan!"  
>Izaya rolled his eyes. Release was very much welcome but it came with a heavy price.<br>"Thanks to you brute I won't be able to walk properly for days! I hope you're happy! Sick brute!"  
>Shizuo patted Izaya's head and smiled his goofy smile anew.<br>"So cute but this is a dream. Nothing to worry about! It's like, not reality. So it's totally fine."  
>"Oh really? So why don't you let me stab you repeatedly with some sharp object? Since you can't die in a dream."<br>"Yeah but I'm against violence even in dreams. I don't even like those violent videogames, they plant bad ideas in people's heads."  
>"Lay off the hentai, then."<br>"That's just creepy."  
>"Not half as creepy as you!"<br>"Iza-chan is feisty in dreams as well. Cool."  
>"You make my poor brain hurt. Along with other parts of my anatomy."<br>"Man, dreams can be real great but the best part of this is that when I wake up you'll be right there next to me!"  
>"Wonderful…"<br>"I once had a nightmare about vending machines chasing me. It was real bad."  
>"So now you know how I feel when you chase me all over 'bukuro like you have nothing better to do."<br>"I am very sorry for that but it's okay!"  
>"No it isn't!"<br>"It is, cuz I have the rest of my life to make it up to you! That's the power of love."


	33. Chapter 33

"Kasuka-chan, I have a plan of action."  
>"Tell."<br>Izaya looked around as if he expected Shizuo to spring on them at any moment. The ship had just pulled at an arbor and Shizuo had gone inland to get stuff for Izaya.  
>"We need to find a hot girl for Shizuo to obsess about instead of me. It's a simple case of transfer."<br>Kasuka looked at his wall of tiles.  
>"Win this game as well. Good idea."<br>"Why are we playing mahjong again…?"  
>"Am better than Akagi."<br>"Ah…you're also cuter."  
>"Thank you very much, Izaya-san!"<br>Izaya found the cutesy act that popped up at random intervals to be highly disturbing. He could almost see flowers blooming around Kasuka along with bubbles of light and overall puppy eyed cuteness.  
>"Right…anyway, I need your help scouting a cute girl. We should aim for a foreigner."<br>"Yes. Won't understand nii-chan."  
>"Precisely! Also, we can sell his 'Japanese!boy' appeal. He's exotic. I'm sure there are a lot of Westerners aboard so it can't be all that difficult."<br>Kasuka nodded.  
>"Will help."<br>Of course, Kasuka knew that this idea would never work. Shizuo was a person of fixations and obsessions. Once something caught his fancy there was no changing it but Kasuka enjoyed seeing Izaya scramble like this and he was not about to inform him that the hope placed on this project was forlorn.  
>"I know! I'll act as an interpreter. That way she will not find out how utterly random Shizu-chan is. I'll make him come across as one smooth operator."<br>"Your move."  
>"Yes, I must take the initiative. Can't just give up."<br>"Mean mahjong. Japanese rules."  
>"Okay…by the way, where's the shark creepo?"<br>"Went ashore. To see the sharks. Went on cruise to see sharks. Sharks are family. It shows."  
>"Doesn't it? I am so glad I have you to talk to. This would end up like the Espoir if not for that! Except with rape thrown in fro good measure."<br>"Akagi, cooler than Kaiji."  
>"Yes, it figures you'd think so."<br>Izaya had no choice but to rely on Kasuka and he had to trust him at least to some extent. Kasuka fully expected this and could hardly wait to grow up and jump on Izaya.

"Iza-chan, I bought you this."  
>"That's a bikini…"<br>"Yeah!"  
>Izaya did not bother to complain. He needed to put his plan in action.<br>"Let's go to the pool."  
>"Put it on, then!"<br>"…Shizu-chan, I'm male. I can't wear a bikini in public. Besides, this is white. It will turn transparent in the water."  
>"I see. I totally understand, don't want guys lusting after your body."<br>"Ah…right."  
>So they both ended up wearing normal swimming trunks. Izaya spotted a cute girl almost immediately and decided to go for it. He bought a drink and approached her as Shizuo splashed about in the water. Shizuo was currently entertained playing with Aoba who was showing him a weird shark fin device that he had attached to his back.<br>"Hi there. Nice weather, isn't it? You looked thirsty so I took the liberty to getting you something to drink."  
>"Thank you."<br>"You're welcome."  
>Izaya tried his best smile and honed his English speaking skills. It was best to make himself scarce for the time being so he joined Shizuo at the pool.<br>"Iza-chan, I was wondering…you know magnets?"  
>"What about them?"<br>"How do they work?"  
>"Magic, Shizu-chan. Magic."<br>"Woah! I always thought so."  
>"Like I was saying, white sharks are the biggest and most ferocious."<br>Aoba gleefully interrupted the conversation.  
>"Drop the shark talk, no one cares."<br>"Hey, Iza-chan…we got to be nicer to our adopted family members."  
>"You heard him. And there are also tiger sharks, hammerhead sharks, all sorts of cool sharks."<br>"And the coolest kind of shark: the one that gobbles up Aoba-kun."  
>Shizuo patted Izaya's head.<br>"Aw, it's so cute how we are all getting along so well!"  
>But Shizuo was not of course forgetting the part about bonding as a couple. Shiki had told him all about it and more had given him a bunch of sex toys that Shizuo could hardly wait to put to good use. After all, Shiki was a great man and he knew all about such things. And the last thing Shizuo wanted was for Izaya to become sex starved. He saw it as his job to make sure that did not happen. More, it was a duty that assured Iza-chan's happiness. And no one could possibly deny that Shizuo was dedicated to Iza-chan.<p> 


	34. Chapter 34

Izaya knew that merely being nice to the girl made it possible for him to approach her along with Shizuo without much of a problem. Izaya's fear, that Shizuo would simply go berserk, dissolved as soon as he realized that Shizuo had no troubles sitting by as Izaya chatted to her. This was the crucial point and Izaya was beyond thrilled at having cleared it. But of course Izaya was oblivious of the reasons behind Shizuo living up to his name. It was one of Shiki's advice that Shizuo had taken to heart: let your woman socialize with others to unwind and don't forget to make sure to always satisfy her in bed. The fact that Izaya was not a woman did not faze Shizuo the slightest.  
>"Meet my friend, Heiwajima Shizuo. That's 'Heiwajima' as the family name and 'Shizuo' as the given one. He's shy and can't speak much English so he asked me to act as a go between."<br>Izaya tried his sweetest smile.  
>"Iza-chan, so I got some tiny magnets and I've been trying to like, get how they work and, it's totally magic! Just like you said!"<br>Without skipping a heartbeat Izaya turned to the girl and said,  
>"He says, 'I know that we are very different but just like magnets are attracted by their opposites, I hope that we too can get along.'"<br>"Aw, that is so sweet of your friend."  
>"Shizuo is adorable. It's amazing how he doesn't have a girlfriend. Must be because he is shy but that's part of his appeal, I think."<br>"Oh, Iza-chan. Ask her where she got that bathing suit. I want to get one for you!"  
>"He says, 'you look very pretty in that bathing suit and that he hopes it is not too forward of him to say it.'"<br>"Izaya, you seem like such a nice friend."  
>"I'm just trying to help out. Shizuo deserves it."<br>Izaya was very glad to have hooked a foreigner. Apart from allowing Izaya to manipulate communication as was his primary intent there was also the fact that a foreigner would not have watched the disastrous show in which Shizuo announced their 'love' to the whole nation.  
>"So you're on this cruise together?"<br>"Yes. Shizuo loves the sea and nature. He told me that he wanted to find himself and that only in a voyage can that be achieved."  
>Izaya knew that girls ate such lines all too eagerly.<br>"Like, black swimsuit would look so sexy on you, Iza-chan."  
>"He says 'the islands of the Pacific are like pearls floating on the ocean.'"<br>Izaya had a whole repertoire of such sayings.  
>"Your friend sure sounds romantic."<br>"Yes, Shizuo is a hopeless romantic. He wanted to give you a rose but again, he is so shy."  
>Ironically enough Shizuo was indeed romantic in his weird off kilter way.<br>"Who are those kids I see around you two?"  
>"Ah, Shizuo is such a wonderful guy and such a softie when it comes to children that he sort of adopted them."<br>Izaya did a happy dance inside. This was pure gold. Who knew that Creepy Shark Teeth could actually further his plans. That Aoba himself would be angry if he knew only hyped Izaya's joy.  
>"And do you have a girlfriend?"<br>"Who, me? No, I don't."  
>Shizuo fidgeted a bit.<br>"Iza-chan, I know you gotta catch up on your girl talk and all but I feel left out here…"  
>"He says, 'I don't want to bother you and intrude too much on your personal space so I shall take my leave here in the hopes that we may continue this conversation.'"<br>"Leaving already?"  
>"What can I say, it's the Japanese way. Always so humble and considerate. Even too much."<br>And with this Izaya could leave, it was best to make her think about Shizuo in absence than having an overdose of Shizuo's zany ways. Izaya and Shizuo moved to one of the open decks where Izaya proceeded to throw himself on a cushion and anticipate his victory.

So when the girl approached him the following day Izaya knew that he had it made. He rejoiced. Until she said in perfect Japanese,  
>"I'm sorry to have deceived you but I thought it was so cute how you were trying to help your friend…. It made me fall in love with you."<br>"Say…what?"  
>"You did say you didn't have a girlfriend…"<br>Izaya flailed.  
>"What the hell, this isn't Liar Game! You can't just lie like that in real life! Look, what's-your-name,"<br>"It's Vorona-"  
>"I don't care! It could be Ophelia for all I care! For god's sake, just date Shizuo! Please! I am begging you here!"<p> 


	35. Chapter 35

"But he's not my type at all." Izaya waved dismissively.  
>"'Type' is so shallow. One must keep an open mind and an open heart about these things! And what better place than the Pacific Ocean, on a cruise, to fall in love?"<br>Vorona smiled broadly.  
>"Yes! It figures that I should fall in love with you."<br>"How does it 'figure'? Look, you don't want to date me. No way. You want Shizuo, trust me on this. The sex is unbelievable! Shizuo is hot. You can't deny he's a hunk! I am telling you, the sex is out of this _world_!"  
>Vorona frowned and Izaya rushed to some damage control.<br>"It's what all girls say! You want that, trust me. I am totally not your guy. If I am to be completely honest…I am actually a virgin. And it's a known fact that for a woman a virgin guy isn't exactly amazing."  
>Izaya folded his arms and nodded wisely. He trusted one of the criteria of textual criticism, namely that of embarrassment: if an author admits something detrimental to himself then it is likely to be true. Vorona nearly twirled.<br>"Is that so?"  
>"Yes! It is. I haven't got as much as second base with a girl, let alone going all the way. Now, back to Shizu-chan,"<br>"That's _so_ sweet!"  
>To Izaya's absolute surprise Vorona held his hands and peered deeply into his eyes, her own sparkling in a way that Izaya found very disturbing.<br>"Sweet…?"  
>"Guys pretend to be all tough and studs and whatnot, it gets so dull and stupid. But you're absolutely adorable! Admitting such a thing, it shows how different you are. And it means I'll be getting unclaimed territory."<br>Izaya's jaw dropped. At this point Aoba dropped by.  
>"Dude, you gonna get raped by a girl!"<br>Izaya ushered her into a discrete corner under some stairs.  
>"Look, V…what was your name again?"<br>"Vorona."  
>"More like Yokoya! That's right, lying to me like that! Oh no…maybe…I'm the pet rat? Oh god. Wait, now is not the time for this. Thing is, Shizu-chan is perfect for you. I know him. "<br>"That devotion to your friend is charming."  
>Izaya took a deep breath.<br>"Okay, okay. Tell you what. Will you give Shizu-chan a chance? Please? To make me happy?"  
>Izaya actually batted his eyelashes. Vorona hugged him.<br>"Just for you, Izaya."  
>And with this she walked away, rejoicing in the fact that she was part of a love triangle of sorts. And of course, having no plans of considering Heiwajima Shizuo at all.<p>

"Man, you know about Chinese people?"  
>"Is this going to be highly offensive to about one billion people?"<br>They were having dinner at the Chinese restaurant and Izaya was not exactly happy.  
>"Nah. I meant, you can't tell that they're Chinese! Like, you're on the subway and you ask someone the time. Next thing you know they go all, weird gibberish sounds. And then you're like, 'omg, they're Chinese!'"<br>Izaya rolled his eyes.  
>"Did you reach this amazing conclusion just now?"<br>"I've thought about it a lot. You never can tell!"  
>Izaya, who had just mistaken a Japanese person for a foreigner with terrible results, took this as a jab.<br>"Actually, that does not prove they are Chinese. They can be Korean, for example."  
>"Yeah! I hadn't thought of that! Actually…what is…'Korean'?"<br>"Oh for God's sake! Are you telling me you never heard about Korea? Not even kimchi?"  
>"Like…no? Iza-chan, you know so much about distant countries!"<br>"…it's not distant…! Tell you what, Shizu-chan. How about you go to North Korea? They are very fond of Japanese people there. Really. Make sure you wave your passport around and a few yen bills. And why is he eating with us?"  
>Izaya waved in Aoba's general direction.<br>"Aoba-kun is having dinner with us cuz we're all family."  
>"And you're totally paying for this, Red Eyes!"<br>Izaya picked up a menu, muttering something under his breath about how Aoba should die. And then changed his mind and smiled.  
>"Waiter, I'll be having shark fin soup, please."<br>Aoba gasped loudly. It was Izaya's moment of glory.  
>"No way! They eat sharks? How can they! Sharks are my family!"<br>"Oh yes. And did you know, they slice off the fin alone and let the sharks die, slowly. Cruel world we live in."


	36. Chapter 36

Izaya took a slurp of the soup. It tasted like greasy cardboard but he acted as if it was a delicacy. Tears were streaming down Aoba's face.  
>"Hey, making Aoba-kun cry is not nice, Iza-chan…"<br>"Like I care! Delicious shark fin is delicious."  
>Suddenly Aoba jumped to his feet.<br>"I want shark fin soup too!"  
>"What the hell?"<br>"My shark kin died for me. Eating my brothers and sisters will allow me to absorb their strength! You did not die in vain, my brother!"  
>And as soon as the soup arrived Aoba swallowed it whole and nearly choked in the process.<br>"What is wrong with you? Who would eat their family? Oh, forget it. You're a creepo anyway."  
>"I'm channeling shark power!"<br>"Aoba-kun? NHK is calling. They want you to feature in a commercial for condoms. 'Use them or you may end up with something like this kid'".  
>"Hate all you want, dude. You're the one getting raped anyway."<br>"Whatever."  
>Shizuo beamed for reasons quite beyond Izaya's comprehension.<br>"Like, this is Chinese food. Does that mean that if we eat it we'll become Chinese?"  
>"No...no, it doesn't."<br>"You really know a lot of stuff!"  
>"Another bowl! I'll eat the all of the sharks to become just like them!"<br>"I just remembered, you mentioned North Korea in your crazy anti-war spiel! So you can't claim ignorance on the existence of the Koreas!"  
>"I did...? Oh, that! I like, got confused. So there's more than one of these Koreas? Wah, there's only one Japan! We're totally losing here!"<br>Izaya was getting a headache. He finished eating as soon as he could and tried to slip away but of course Shizuo caught him.  
>"I know what you're thinking, Iza-chan. That I haven't been taking care of you properly but you don't have to worry. Tonight I'm all yours!"<br>"Oh...yay..."  
>A sudden bout of inspiration occurred to Izaya at this point.<br>"Shizu-chan, you know how they say that the really important things aren't overstated? As in, talking too much about them ends up cheapening them."  
>"Yeah..."<br>"This love of yours is just the same. By keep going on and on and _on_ about it becomes rather shallow. So how about you stop doing that?"  
>Shizuo was silent then gasped loudly, eyes glittering.<br>"I understand it now! Like, totally! It's been bothering me, how you never talked about your feelings for me...I even asked Shiki-sama about and he said that's just the way you are but to be honest it worried me. But if this how you feel, if talking about it is cheapening it then you must love me so very much, that was why you said nothing about it! Iza-chan, that is adorable. It shows your emotions are very deep. I am...so touched..."  
>And Shizuo actually wiped a tear and sobbed. Izaya made unarticulated noises that were vaguely akin to words.<br>"Iza-chan, from now on I won't go on about my feelings for you. Instead, I'll show how I feel with actions."  
>Izaya choked, stammered, choked some more and before he knew quite how Shizuo had dragged him to their suite and placed him carefully in bed. Shizuo proceeded to rummage through his luggage.<br>"I wasn't too sure about these thingies but Shiki-sama said it'd be cool to use them."  
>Izaya paled considerably as he realized that Shizuo had just produced an assortment of sex toys.<br>"Holy hell!"  
>"Yeah! At first I wasn't too sure of this here thingy but Shiki-sama totally said it was fine to use it. That it, like helped you admit your true feelings. That's so important! They say so on TV, too. Those talk shows, you know?"<br>"Your authorities are a yakuza and Oprah. The combination doesn't make sense! Can't you follow logic at least a bit? How am I supposed to have the slightest chance of winning when you don't act even remotely like a logical human being?"  
>Shizuo laughed.<br>"So silly, Iza-chan. Love has nothing to do with logic!"  
>Shizuo produced a vial and waved the about.<br>"And is that...?"  
>"It's a, what's it called, complicated name...let's just try it and see what happens!"<br>Without further ado Shizuo poured the entire vial on Izaya after ripping his clothes to shreds because it took much less time then actually removing them. Izaya gasped as thick pinkish liquid touched his skin, a strange feeling of warmth beginning to spread immediately. It took Izaya two heartbeats to realize what was happening.


	37. Chapter 37

"Shit, that's an aphrodisiac! The kind that actually works- that's illegal!"  
>Shizuo granted him a big grin.<br>"All cool, _aniki_ says that there's no such thing as 'illegal' to real men."  
>"SHIKI! I'll kill you, you just watch, as soon as I get out of this hellish boat-"<br>Izaya's tirade came to sudden halt as he moaned despite himself. This was ridiculous. Shizuo frowned.  
>"Shiki-sama is special but I don't like you calling out other people's names when we're about to get it on. It just ain't right."<br>Izaya made some vaguely word-like sounds. Shizuo's eyes widened as he took it to himself to gently poke Izaya's erection as if he was the most curious.  
>"Woah, this stuff is really great! Look at that, it's all wet and all."<br>As if to make this point Shizuo dabbed a finger on the oozing pre-cum and watched the thread dangling in the air.  
>"Do you have to comment everything? What the hell, are you providing live commentary for the blind audience? "<br>Apparently Shizuo was indeed very fond of stating the very obvious. But for all his obtuse ways he knew how to keep his silence about the other tips that Shiki had given him. Such as making Izaya beg a bit.  
>"Audience...? Oh, it'd be cool to record this. Must remember that next time."<br>For now Shizuo settled for lifting one of Izaya's legs, caressing the thigh slightly and then licking the big toe. Izaya writhed and moaned.  
>"Shizu-chan, <em>don't<em> do that."  
>But even Izaya knew how unconvincing he sounded when his voice was this breathless and he was blushing so furiously.<br>"It's so cute when you '-chan' me."  
>Many a time Izaya had regretted ever addressing Shizuo in such terms. It was a case of universal irony and Izaya cursed his luck as Shizuo returned to sucking his toes one by one. Izaya gripped the sheets until his knuckles were white but that did not stop the rush of pleasure that centered his body around his groin. He came despite himself and even thrust up his hips as if to invite Shizuo's touch. Shizuo whistled at semen covering in a series of splurts.<br>"Wow, this thing is great!"  
>Now that he knew just how great it truly was Shizuo proceeded to douse Izaya anew, making sure he coated Izaya's entrance with the thick liquid. Izaya could have wept and he almost did.<br>"Stupid Shizu-chan!"  
>Dimly it occurred to him how much he sounded like some tsundere heroine but Izaya was too far to even care. The aphrodisiac worked its way to his blood stream and heated him up, each ragged breath of air he took seemed to make things worse and his erection remained unflagging.<br>At this point Shizuo wanted nothing more than just jump on Izaya but he somehow managed to keep Shiki's trippy counsel in mind. He ditched his clothes and Izaya gasped at the sight of Shizuo's naked body. Izaya realized that only one thing could satisfy him and that was Shizuo doing him like Shizuo knew how. Izaya nearly drooled with anticipation and could hardly be bothered to hide it.  
>Shizuo let him flail a bit before slipping a condom and slowly entering him.<br>Izaya tightened up immediately and held unto Shizuo, urging him to move. But Shizuo did no such thing. Instead he rocked his body very slowly, drinking up Izaya's string of moans. Shizuo enjoyed the power rush and was very glad he had opted for a condom because he was unsure whether he could last much longer of this engulfing warmth. Shizuo kissed Izaya's parted lips and stared longingly into red glazed eyes. It annoyed Izaya to no end. Ironically enough, the more the chemicals worked to heighten his arousal the more it seemed to bring to the forefront Izaya's sheer loathing for Shizuo.  
>Shizuo who hesitated now. He was in two minds, part of him wanted to go on about love yet again but another wanted to be a bit mean and make Izaya say it instead.<br>"Shizu-chan..."  
>"What is it, Iza-chan?"<br>Izaya hated this '-chan' business with a passion.  
>"Hurry up and <em>move<em>."  
>Shizuo was going to argue this point but Izaya pulled a trick by clenching up. It was Shizuo's turn to moan and Izaya took the cue to wrap his slender legs around Shizuo's lower back.<br>"So hot..."  
>Shizuo forgot that he was supposed to be in charge here.<br>"Yes, very hot so move already! If you're going to dump an aphrodisiac on me then the least you can do is fuck me properly!"


	38. Chapter 38

"Yeah...true that."  
>Shizuo was reminded anew that Izaya's bossy ways were very sexy indeed. And then any conscious thought was knocked out of Shizuo's mind. He pressed himself into Izaya, picking up his pace and losing any sense of rhythm much to Izaya's fury. It was very hit and miss, Izaya's soft spot was hit directly, then missed completely then merely brushed. Fortunately (or not, it was a matter of perspective) the trippy chemicals spiked Izaya's reaction and made it so that all was good as long as Shizuo was pounding into him.<br>And that Shizuo did accomplish with gusto. He pinned Izaya body without even having to try and thrust in and out of scalding heat. Shizuo could never get enough of horny Izaya moaning and squirming uncontrollably but there was something to be said about having the cake and eating it too: within two harder thrusts Izaya was coming without as much as a passing thought for Shizuo.  
>Through the growing fog in his mind Shizuo chalked down Izaya's climax to the fact that Shizuo was that good. Which was only half of the story but Shizuo was in no condition to remember the aphrodisiac. So as Izaya got on his hands and knees, a trickle of Shizuo's semen seeped from his puckered hole, Shizuo was absolutely sure that Izaya was hooked on some serious Shizuo sex.<br>"Wah, I burst the condom and all-"  
>"You're not done yet."<br>Shizuo could see that it was indeed so. Not that Shizuo need any prompting to pounce anew but not before Izaya stuffed a pair of boxers in Shizuo's mouth.  
>"Can't stand your live commentary."<br>And then Shizuo did pounce with all he had and more. The squelching noises urged him on, mingled with Izaya's by now toneless moans. Liquid warmth completed the feeling of raw pleasure and Shizuo buried himself as he gripped Izaya's slender hips for leverage. Shizuo groaned through the boxers but Izaya was already tensing up, back arched and heels digging into the messy sheets. Shizuo had to catch up but it did not even matter because the sudden clenching of the enveloping sweet pressure tidied him over.  
>For a while they collapsed, lying side by side and panting as they fought for air. Shizuo latched an arm around Izaya and was so happy he might float away.<br>"Iza-chan-"  
>"Put the sock back on."<br>"Boxers, not a sock."  
>Izaya made a weak attempt at shoving back this item of clothing but he was too drained.<br>"Whatever..."  
>Shizuo was looking forward to sleeping side by side with his beloved Iza-chan. So he changed the sheets and made himself comfortable next to Izaya. Little did he know that in the middle of the night Izaya tip-toed away and made a phone call.<br>"Hello, Shinra? Hello! Ah, I am just calling to let you know that I am adding you to my hit list. Why? Because it is all your fault."  
>In Tokyo Shinra blinked.<br>"What did I even do?"  
>"Why, you know full well! You introduced me to Shizu-chan? On purpose, I bet! You already knew the monster, you knew he would go all rapist on me! You knew!"<br>"Izaya, your paranoia is getting to you bad-"  
>"Shut up! Don't think I don't know that there's a plot against me! The 'Shi' club!"<br>"'Shi'...?"  
>"SHIzuo, SHIki, SHInra, I see a pattern here! And I don't care if you don't use the same kanji to write these, the fact remains!"<br>"What fact...?"  
>"The 'Shi' fact, don't play stupid!"<br>"Did someone die...?"  
>"You will, rest assured you! And that yakuza, a pox on him forever! I bet your father is on it too, that makes it SHI SHI!"<br>"Ah...I got to go now."  
>"Shinra, oy Shinra- don't you hang up on me- SHINRA!"<br>But the line went dead on Izaya.

The following day it was with difficulty that Izaya could walk around and he simply told Shizuo that he could not move at all. The idea was to get him off his back but as so many things it backfired. Shizuo simply got room service and proceeded to annoy Izaya by silly rants. Izaya could feel his brain melting by slow degrees. And then inspiration came.  
>Clearly Shizuo was doing some extreme trolling with all this love crap and the best way of starving a troll was to deny him the reaction he craved. In this case, if Izaya pretended to be ever so in love with Shizuo for real then Shizuo would simply grow bored and leave Izaya alone.<p> 


	39. Chapter 39

Had he run this theory through Kasuka, he would realize how bad it was but the night before had unhinged him to the point he trusted absolutely no one. Paranoia was full on. But he still mulled over on how to make Shizuo believe it and being rather afraid that he would held his tongue. After all, reverse trolling was not exactly easy. It took skill. For a troll as prone to suspect others of trolling.  
>Izaya was considering such matters as Shizuo took him for a walk at one of the decks. The ship was about to dock and Izaya was very glad to be able to get away from the dreadful cabin. As spacious as it was, it still contained Shizuo. At least the paradisiacal island gave him the illusion of some freedom. He spotted Aoba cavorting by the shore and next to him a gigantic shadow under the water and a tell-tale fin cutting through the surf.<br>"Ah! Your time has come, you little imp! You're shark bait at last! At last! Justice, poetic justice, serves you right! What the hell?"  
>Aoba sat astride the huge shark and giggled.<br>"Dude, Basking sharks don't eat people. They're harmless."  
>"Why can't I win, ever!"<br>Shizuo smiled his goofy smile.  
>"Aoba-kun is so smart. I mean, at his age and already knows so much about sharks."<br>"It's monomania! I bet all he does he read about the damned fish!"  
>"You got a problem with that?"<br>"Smart kid, sure takes after you, Iza-chan!"  
>Izaya actually screamed.<br>"Argh! For the last time, you do realize I'm not related to the kid? We have been through this before! Oh my god, I refuse to believe that you can be this dense!"  
>But Shizuo was about to prove him wrong. Slowly, a frown creased his forehead.<br>"You know, it just crossed my mind, you know how Aoba-kun really likes sharks, you like people the same way...Iza-chan, I hope that you don't do this and that with 'people'."  
>Izaya's jaw dropped.<br>"How...what...wait...did you just heavily imply that creepo there has sex with sharks- actually, he probably does."  
>Aoba had happily splashed away with his new best friend and so he lost an opportunity for hearing this interesting exchange.<br>"No, because Aoba-kun is an innocent child and would never such a thing."  
>"The hell he is! Trying to leech money out of me, paternity suit? It's clever, it actually is, to some extent at least-"<br>Shizuo loomed too close for closer and too big. He blocked the sun.  
>"Iza-chan, you're changing the subject. I don't like that."<br>Izaya was too caught up in his rant to actually catch the more than subtle threat.  
>"Stupid Aoba, Shiro-ba, Kuro-ba, I don't care what color the creepo is named after. It is simply preposterous-"<br>"Iza-_chan_?"  
>Izaya noticed it now.<br>"Yes, Shizu-chan...?"  
>"Like I was saying, you don't go around 'loving humanity', right? As in, doing this and that with people just because they're people?"<br>It made no sense but Izaya could not possibly bring that to Shizuo's attention.  
>"Eh, Shizu-chan, it's really not like that. At all. My love for humanity is intellectual."<br>"What's that, 'inte-' big words."  
>To make matters worse Izaya almost burst out laughing.<br>"It means that my interest in humanity is something that concerns the mind. But my heart belongs to you only, Shizu-chan."  
>Even to himself Izaya sounded like this was an unlikely confession that no one could possibly buy. He prepared himself for something heavy to land on him, maybe he could dodge it.<br>"Iza-chan! So glad you're saying it now! 'Course I get it, what you say about how if it's important to you, you don't say it but it's also cool to every now and then say it."  
>Izaya nearly told him that it was at least better than saying it every other minute like Shizuo did. But he of course held his peace.<br>"Ah...right, so it is."  
>"Yeah! But you know, it's real bad if you went around doing this and that with people...I wouldn't be cool with that, not at all. I'd get real angry and you know what happens when I get mad."<br>Izaya's giggle was frayed and sounded hollow.  
>"Heh, indeed I do. We don't want that, Shizu-chan. And there is no reason to get angry."<br>"Because your love for me is deeper than the ocean?"  
>"...yes."<br>"Yeah! Oh, try saying. 'My love for Shizu-chan is deeper than the ocean'."  
>Izaya sighed inwardly.<br>"'My love for Shizu-chan is deeper than the ocean.'"


	40. Chapter 40

"'And if I ever cheat on him I deserve to die!'"

"But don't worry, you don't have to repeat it. Just never, ever, _ever_ forget it."  
>Izaya could feel his knees shaking.<br>"I'll keep it in mind."  
>"Great! You know, something came to me. We should change our country's name."<br>"Why...? And what for?"  
>"Cuz 'Japan' is fine and all but I want a name that means something!"<br>"...Japan actually means something...but I guess you don't know what it is..."  
>"I want to change it to 'Heiwajima'!"<br>Izaya facepalmed."  
>"You want to change the country's name to your own name. And they say I have a big ego! Why would you do that!"<br>"Cuz you know how Japan is an island?"  
>"It's actually more than one- oh why do I even bother."<br>"I thought that it'd so cool if it had 'peace' in the name! And 'island'! Like, totally descriptive!"  
>"...right."<br>Shizuo's enthusiasm increased as he considered how great this theory was. Also, he wanted to impress Izaya with something smart. He could not have possibly failed more but delusion had never bothered Shizuo too much perhaps because he was too delusional to even know that he was so. And Heiwajima Shizuo's mind was a very strange world indeed. Izaya would find it fascinating if he was not so personally involved.  
>"They already changed Tokyo's name, it used to be 'Edo' but now it's 'Tokyo' so they can change 'Japan', too. And then everyone in the world would know how peaceful our country is!"<br>"Ah...that actually may be a good PR campaign although it's a few decades too late but-"  
>"I knew you'd see how cool it is."<br>Shizuo smiled beautifully. Izaya wanted to punch his teeth in.  
>"Wonderful, Shizu-chan."<br>"You know how they went about changing 'Edo' to 'Tokyo'? I'll just write the Emperor now and those people at the parliament thing."  
>"Tell you what, Shizu-chan. Since this was your idea please don't mention me in your letter. I don't want to steal your thunder and all."<br>"Aw, that is so _cute_ of you!"  
>Without a doubt life was at times not worth living. Izaya reconsidered his plans for immortality since with his luck he was sure to end up living forever right next to Shizuo.<p>

While Izaya was contemplating changing his life long ambitions and Shizuo was sharing his amazing idea, another Heiwajima was not all that happy. Kasuka decided to stay aboard and to plot some more. And he did most of his plotting in places where no one could spot him. Namely, air vents. He was doing this now when he caught most interesting through a metal grid over which he had to shuffle to make his way. Kasuka paid close attention to what was going on. Here was just what he needed. He smiled.

Meanwhile something occurred to Izaya. They were in a small deserted bay, the ocean very blue and beautiful. Not that Izaya could actually notice such things at the moment. Instead he leant against Shizuo in a suggestive manner and stood on tip-toe to kiss him. Izaya gave it his all, adding to his deep kissing butterfly caresses that he trailed down Shizuo's chest and downwards until he was undoing Shizuo's belt.  
>"Wow, Iza-chan..."<br>"I just got in the mood for some action. Since I love you much."  
>He could see Shizuo's eyes glazing over but to his absolute surprise Shizuo placed his hands on Izaya's shoulders and took a step back.<br>"Yeah, like I'd really like to but you know aniki told me that I had to show some self-control. I mean, this kind of thing is also important..."  
>But Izaya was not about to let Shiki stand in his way anymore. And he was paranoid enough to be sure that Shiki had of course instructed Shizuo to foil this plan of Izaya's, the fact that he had just thought it up did not interfere with Izaya's inference one bit. So Izaya pouted now and looked upset.<br>"I thought you loved me, Shizu-chan...and that your duty was to keep me satisfied...also, you're hard already."  
>Shizuo muttered some weak protest and Izaya had to fight not to grin wickedly. If things went according to his plan he had it made. Also, it did not matter how many of his plans failed as long as one of them worked. Izaya tackled Shizuo to the sandy ground and set about getting rid of Shizuo's pants and boxers. Izaya congratulated himself on being such a genius and then swirled his tongue around the engorged tip.<br>"Shizu-chan, you're so big..."


	41. Chapter 41

"Yeah, I guess mother nature likes me."  
>Izaya focused all of his hatred into sucking, slurping and licking. He applied pressure with his lips, lapped at pre-cum, washing heated skin with saliva. Shizuo moaned and patted his head. Izaya hesitated slightly before sliding the entire length into his mouth and adjusting it to his throat. Sacrifices had to be made.<br>Shizuo bucked as intensely sweet warmth enveloped him. All too soon it tided him over and the growing pressure of pleasure found release. But he pulled back so that he could shoot his load all over Izaya's face. Shizuo was too horny and mushy to see that the glitter in Izaya's eyes was nothing short of sheer loathing.  
>"Iza-chan..."<br>Shizuo took great pains to lick every last drop of thick salty liquid off Izaya, kissing him as he went along. Izaya stretched and yawned.  
>"Sleepy...let's take a nice nap in the sun. I'll set the alarm on my phone so that we won't miss the ship."<br>Shizuo was a tad disappointed. He was revving to jump on Izaya but cuddling together was really good and the haze of his afterglow lent an aura of happy comfort to everything. The beach rolled before them like a smooth nice bed and the sound of waves beckoned toward slumber. Also, Izaya must have been tired from servicing him so well.  
>"Sure. That was real good..."<br>Shizuo held him tight and in no time was sleeping soundly. This was Izaya's chance. He disentangled himself and tiptoed away. Izaya knew that Shizuo once asleep did not wake up easily. Izaya told a few natives who he found to let his blonde friend get some rest and then dashed to the ship.  
>He spent the following half hour pacing back and forth on the upper deck in a stage of anxiety. He could see the ramp leading from the harbor to the ship and watched intently each new passenger. This plan of his was surprisingly simple but it rested on Shizuo remaining asleep long enough for the ship to set sail without him. If Shizuo were to wake up before that then Izaya would be screwed. His greatest concern was Aoba popping out of nowhere and like the imp he was ruining everything. He would like to dump Aoba on the island as well but for the time being he was adhering to his priorities very closely: get rid of the horror that was Heiwajima Shizuo.<br>The scariest moment was when the ship blew loudly right before sailing away. If Shizuo were to wake up this would be it. Izaya uttered a silent prayer to whatever gods there were, his heart pounding madly, sweat trickling down. And then the ramp was retracted and the ship began to drift away from the island. Izaya held his breath.  
>The ship picked up speed and Izaya watched with mounting excitement as the island receded into the distance. It was only when it could no longer be seen and there was only sea all around, flawlessly blue ocean, that his knees gave in and slid to the deck.<br>"I did it...I...did it! Take that you, you, you monster! Nao-chan always win in the end! SHE ALWAYS WIN! I am free, finally, I am free."  
>Izaya broke into tears. He sobbed openly and without even bothering to wipe the tears away. He was so absorbed in hope and relief that he did not even spot a shadow that covered him until a handkerchief appeared in his blurred field of vision.<br>"Here. No more crying. Iza-chin."  
>Izaya ceased to cry on the spot and rubbed his eyes. Kneeling next to him was a boy around 18 staring intently at him with a rather blank expression that was very familiar. In fact, this newcomer was remarkably familiar all around.<br>"Kasuka...? I am sorry, I'm rather shaken at the moment. But you look a lot like someone I know, except he's a kid."  
>"Is me. Kasuka. Want '-chan'. 'Kasuka-chan'."<br>Izaya froze. Terror gripped him.  
>"Don't tell me...I am actually dreaming...this is a dream! I'll wake up and Shizu-chan will still be here! No! Why, oh why, no!"<br>"No dream. Am Kasuka. Grew up."  
>Just when he thought things could not get stranger Namie appeared.<br>"Yagiri technology is at the top. As you can see we have managed to quicken the growing process with excellent results."  
>"Where did you come from? And are you serious...? That's Kasuka...?"<br>"-'chan'. Want '-chan'. Is important."  
>"...oh my god, it is Kasuka! Kasuka-chan, I mean."<p> 


	42. Chapter 42

Izaya was absolutely stunned. There were indeed some very strange things under the sun. And he realized one thing: Kasuka was actually taller than him now and he was stuck with another Heiwajima now. The unlikely trio settled down in one of the many decks in a private corner hidden from the crowd.  
>"So...what are you doing here again, Namie?"<br>"None of your business. But if you must know there are some buyers interested in the clone army and I figured that no one would expect me to smuggle the prototypes in a cruise ship."  
>"Ah...so there really was a clone army...and how did Kasuka-chan become...well...like this...?"<br>"Kasuka-kun infiltrated the storage area and being the intelligent person he is realized the purpose of some of the machinery and volunteered to try it out. It's the same principle as the artificial wombs."  
>"Right...that again. Still, it's...well...pretty impressive."<br>And rather creepy, too. Namie frowned.  
>"It's not 'pretty impressive', it's a victory for science. I deserve a Nobel prize for this but I know how these things work, the Academy only caters to 'legit' experiments. Absolutely bias."<br>"Can I see this clone army? I keep hearing about it."  
>"You can. But then I'd have to kill you."<br>"...forget I asked."  
>Kasuka nodded.<br>"Nii-chan. Is gone too. Lucky me."  
>Izaya's joy flared up again. He skipped around, it was impossible not to.<br>"Yes! I got rid of him, finally! He's stranded on that island!"  
>"Calls for hugs."<br>Kasuka saw fit to hug Izaya.  
>"It's not exactly a deserted island, though. You do realize he'll return sooner or later?"<br>It actually had not occurred to Izaya. Trust Namie to destroy his dreams. Kasuka patted his head and actually smiled.  
>"No worries. Am here. For you."<br>"Thanks...but I must say, this feels like a dream."  
>Namie promptly kicked him. Hard.<br>"What was that for?"  
>"See, it's not a dream."<br>"That hurt!"  
>Kasuka produced a first aid kit out of nowhere and granted Izaya a dazzling smile with flowers blooming in the background along with sparkly bubbles of light. It gave Izaya a headache.<br>"Iza-chin. Must take care of wound. I help."  
>Without further ado Kasuka proceeded to bandage Izaya's knee.<br>"That's nice of you, Kasuka-chan but I'm fine, really. A tad hungry, I'll just have a snack-"  
>"Have lunch. With me. Is fine, tweaked ship log records. Am 'Heiwajima Shizuo', was easy. Need only change given name."<br>"That's great...I can eat on my own, it really isn't a big deal-"  
>"First date. Today. I am so happy, Iza-chin!"<br>The smile radiated. Izaya was not sure what was creepier, the smiley bouts of bubbliness or the usual blank stare of doom. And by now he had realized he was not about to shake off Heiwajima junior. In fact, it seemed he had traded a problem sibling for another.  
>"So...Kasuka-chan, how are you liking the Pacific cruise?"<br>"Great. Now that I'm with you. Got you swim wear."  
>"Not a girl's bathing suit again?"<br>Kasuka shook his head in all seriousness.  
>"No. Can wear that in Jacuzzi. Got you speedo. It's perfect for your type of body, Iza-chin! Sweet curves. Must show them off."<br>And indeed Kasuka had a skimpy black speedo that he handed to Izaya.  
>"Kasuka-chan, this is a bit...extreme."<br>"Bashful Iza-chin. Is so cute."  
>"Did you just say 'sweet curves'...?"<br>"Also got red one. Matches your eyes."  
>Izaya tried to smile himself.<br>"You don't have to spend money on me."  
>"Want to. Is important. Read in book, 'How to form steady relationships'."<br>"That is...interesting."  
>It was also highly disturbing in more ways than one. Izaya wished that Kasuka was still a kid and saw a rather bleak future ahead.<br>"Must eat. Skinny type is good but needs food."  
>Kasuka forked a piece of meat and offered it to Izaya.<br>"I can eat myself."  
>"Says in book, sharing meals. Helps with relationship."<br>"Right...and when you say 'relationship' you mean...?"  
>"You and I. Soon to be lovers. Took notes, know what am doing."<br>At this point Izaya almost wished that this was a dream after all. Namie decided to pop out of nowhere yet again. Because if virtual particles could apparently do it then so could Yagiri Namie for whom quantum fluctuations were a mere trifle.  
>"Maybe you exude some specific pheromones that the Heiwajima family is sensitive to. It's a matter worth studying."<p> 


	43. Chapter 43

"You say the creepiest things, you know?"  
>Izaya was in fact surrounded by creepy people. From Namie who viewed him as a test subject to Kasuka whose creepiness was a default characteristic.<br>"It could be important to science."  
>"Ah..."<br>Kasuka cut the steak into tiny bits.  
>"Eating. Is good."<br>"I got it already."  
>Izaya was not even sure he was glad that Namie disappeared to attend to the needs of the clone army. It meant that he was left alone with Kasuka whose stare kept getting on his nerves. Izaya emptied a cup of juice, his hand trembling a bit. He felt rather hot and sweaty. Kasuka noticed and touched his forehead with his lips.<br>"Fever. You have it."  
>"I don't feel too great...I'll be lying down for a bit."<br>"Yes. Will take you to cabin. To rest."  
>Izaya felt considerably better. Even if he was rather sick, it seemed that Kasuka was at least much more reasonable than what Izaya feared. Kasuka was in fact very nice as he fluffed the bed and even helped Izaya into PJ's. Izaya made himself comfortable under a sheet.<br>"Thanks, Kasuka-chan. I must have overtired myself over the whole Shizu-chan thing."  
>"True. Can rest now. Get better."<br>Izaya turned on his side and was asleep in no time. Kasuka waited until Izaya was sleeping to crack a slow and rather disturbing smile. Unlike Shizuo who was an idiot, Kasuka resorted to covert methods that he knew were more effective in the long term. For example, instead of dropping a massive dose of aphrodisiacs on Izaya to render him helpless Kasuka had added just enough to do the trick to Izaya's drink and kept silent about it. After all, people tended to resent being drugged against their will and what they did not know did not hurt them.  
>Kasuka had been very methodical about it and with Namie's help had come up with just the right dosage for his purposes along with a few extra chemical components. Just as planned, at first Izaya would become sluggish as the chemical was first absorbed, causing symptoms akin to fever only to wake up once the effect kicked in. All that Kasuka had to do was wait and avail himself of condoms which he already had at hand.<br>Izaya drifted awake with a feeling of confusion that took him a few seconds to realize was arousal. He blushed when he saw Kasuka peering at him steadily. Izaya found it rather distressing that Heiwajima junior had apparently watched him in his sleep, it added to the overall uncomfortable feeling.  
>Izaya's best course of action at this point was to hobble to the bathroom and take care of things himself. Unfortunately it was easier said than done and as Izaya tried to get away he became dizzy all over again. Kasuka was there to catch him.<br>"Sorry, guess I'm still a bit under the weather."  
>Izaya flailed at the sudden body contact. He cursed Namie's crazy scientist ways and her growth machines or whatever they were. Kasuka somehow towered him now. So much so that he could pat Izaya's head easily. Izaya's confusion kicked a notch. Something was wrong here.<br>Kasuka touched him very lightly, brushing his side only and Izaya nearly moaned. It was the sign Kasuka was waiting for. Still, he did not pounce. He eased Izaya on his back instead, almost softly. And then clambered on top of him. Izaya's gasp was a mix of surprise and desire.  
>"Er, Kasuka-chan...? What are you doing?"<br>"Helping."  
>"Wait, stop- <em>oh<em>..."  
>Kasuka had removed Izaya's pants and underwear and proceeded to slowly stroke him. Izaya bucked immediately. By now he had his suspicious that something had been added to his drink but there was nothing Izaya could do about it at this point. The tip of his erection was already oozing and it oozed so much more as Kasuka squeezed. Kasuka dabbled his fingers on the slippery liquid and tasted it, his blank eyes flashing with curiosity.<br>"Thick and salty. I like."  
>"Ah...Kasuka-chan, you don't have to do this."<br>"Want to. Am helpful."  
>And to show just how helpful he was Kasuka added some sweet pressure and Izaya could not help parting his legs to give him easier access. Kasuka caught the drift. He did want to jump Izaya's bones but Kasuka was a strategic player. The priority here was to please Izaya and then to go for the kill. So he licked the engorged tip and slid the entire length into his mouth.<p> 


	44. Chapter 44

Izaya closed his eyes and gave up on resisting. Warm waves of pleasure radiated from where Kasuka's tongue lapped and with each very deliberate slurp Izaya felt himself float away into a kind of haze. Izaya was only vaguely aware that he was moaning more or less continuously.

Kasuka was not just bragging. He had indeed picked up a thing or two. For example, he now knew how to make a fist around Izaya's wet erection while fondling his sack. Izaya dug his nails into the mattress and gasped. His entire body vibrated as if from within. Kasuka loved the sight of Izaya in the throes of pre-orgasm.

"Kasuka...!"

And nothing could be sweeter than hearing his name called out in such a breathy way. Kasuka did not even mind the missing honorific. Izaya held on for dear life as he climaxed, his whole being flowing into an all consuming blaze of ecstasy.

Kasuka gladly drank up Izaya's release, to the very last drop and even let Izaya enjoy his afterglow for a few blissful moments. And he quite enjoyed kissing him fully on the mouth even if Izaya was somewhat lazy about it. But of course Kasuka was not done. He had many things in stock for Izaya and only hesitated momentarily to consider his options.

Unfortunately for Kasuka at this point the ship suddenly came to an abrupt halt and then listed to the side, upsetting the furniture and throwing the two of them to the now slanted floor.

"Did we hit something? Is the ship about to sink?"

Izaya jumped to his feet with remarkable nimbleness, pulling up his pants and ready to bolt out the door without as much as glancing at Kasuka. Then again, that was Izaya's way and part of the reasons why Kasuka was so infatuated: Izaya being a magnificent bastard only made it sweeter to have.

Before Izaya could run to the lifeboats there was an announcement coming through the loudspeakers.

"We apologize for the inconvenience but due to a mechanical malfunction we will be returning to the island for repairs. There is no danger of sinking. Once again we apologize and thank you all for your understanding and patience."

Izaya screamed, he spun around, nearly fell, then regained his balance in the tilted floor. The ship resumed its own equilibrium and began to turn around.

"No! It can't be, it can't be! Why!"

Kasuka nodded.

"It's okay."

"No, it's not!"

Izaya then did run out the door, Pjs and all, Kasuka on his heels. But Kasuka was not fast enough for Izaya already had some of his excellent parkour moves mastered. He found a very tactful Namie on the upper deck along with a small crowd.

"Namie, lend me a helicopter! We're going back, back to where Shizu-chan is!"

Namie made a clicking sound with her tongue.

"I should have known that the clone army would consume too much energy."

Izaya blinked a few times.

"What, this is your fault?"

"This is the problem with primitive technology."

Izaya threw his hands in the air. Aoba appeared and snickered.

"Haha, serves you right!"

Kasuka was right behind Aoba and gladly tripped him. Izaya did not even appreciate the sight of Aoba falling face flat on the deck. For the island was already looming in the horizon.

"If you have such nifty technology can't you lend me a Yagiri chopper or something?"

"I suppose I could. But I won't."

With agonizing speed the ship closed in on the island. It was then that a glimmer of hope occurred to Izaya. Instead of hiding and hoping that Shizuo might not notice that the ship was back Izaya could take fate into his hands and just like Nao from Liar Game come up on top at the end against all odds. He could dash away and board another ship, maybe even stowaway Kasuka-style. And then he would be free of all this insanity. Of course these crazy people would be back to make his life a living hell when he got back to Tokyo but for the time being Izaya was going to ignore that.

As soon as the ship docked Izaya made a run for it, taking even Kasuka by surprise. He sprinted down the ramp and disappeared around a bend. Kasuka was not overly worried for the island was so small that finding him again should not be too difficult. As Izaya made his way toward what he hoped was the harbor he was pleased with himself.


	45. Chapter 45

Recent events had solidified his suspicions regarding Heiwajima junior and Izaya was dead set on going solo on this grand escape. After all, his drink had surely been spiked and there was only one possible suspect. Nodding to himself at having caught another thread in the plot against him, the plot that he now believed to be on a universal scale (a natural corollary of his megalomania) Izaya picked up his pace and kept an eye out for ships.

Having grabbed his wallet on the way out he now bought some clothes and shoes. Horrendous Hawaiian print shirts were better than nothing and he congratulated himself on having the foresight to secure cash even while evacuating.

It was said that curiosity killed the cat. And in this world the two most curious beings were cats in general and Orihara Izaya. A faint sound reached him and he perked up his ears. Without realizing he found himself thinking about it. By all accounts it could only be tribal music in the form of drums and voices chanting. He should ignore it but he was interested despite himself. Izaya's plan was just to take a peek and satisfy his anthropological interests. After all, here was the opportunity of a life time. Where else would a Tokyo citizen, born and raised in the big city, get to observe an actual tribe in its environment firsthand. Such was his love for humanity and its many types.

Izaya tiptoed in the direction of the music, he planned on just taking a peek and leave before anyone noticed him. The music became clearer as he drew nearer. It was highly repetitive, a single basic melody repeated ad eternum. Izaya pictured all sorts of crazy scenarios straight out of movies, like a virgin sacrifice about to be offered to the volcano god, there being no volcanos in sights changing nothing in Izaya's mental repertoire.

But nothing could have prepared him for what he saw. Once reality trumped fiction all around.

In a small beach hidden around a bend there was a statue in the middle of the sand. A Shizuo statue. Around it a crowd of half naked tribe people did a weird dance. Others danced, another group banged the drums repeatedly and prompted on a makeshift throne in front of the statue was Heiwajima Shizuo himself, a bunch of colorful feathers stuck to his hair.

Izaya was so stunned that he forgot all about keeping cover and actually walked into the scene as if in a daze. Maybe the ever so repetitive rhythm worked some sort of hypnosis on him. Shizuo was drinking juice from a pineapple that a smiling girl offered him but he leaped to his feet immediately upon spotting him, knocking down the girl without even realizing.

"Iza-chan, Iza-chan, you're back!"

"What...what the hell..."

Before Izaya knew what was happening Shizuo was already on him and hugging him.

"These people, like, they worship me as a god here!

"Now that's...I don't even,"

Shizuo gesticulated toward the statue that did indeed bear an uncanny resemble to him.

"See, it looks just like me. These people are pretty neat so I've been teaching them kanji, see?"

Shizuo now pointed to doodles on the sand. He recognized his own name. For a while Izaya could not even speak and he even missed the fact that Shizuo's new friends were now bowing to the two of them.

"Let me see if I got this right. You're teaching kanji to a tribe that worships you as a god."

"Yeah! Pretty cool, huh?"

Shizuo looked rather proud of himself.

"First of all, why? And second, how can you teach anyone when you barely know kanji yourself!"

"You know how it is, they won't be able to get a job if they can't read and write kanji. I know that 'cuz teachers keep telling me. And yeah, I don't know much but look, look, they all know how to read and write your name!"

"Why do South Pacific islanders need to learn kanji! What the hell, do you think they're about to become salarymen and join a company?"

"But kanji is important..."

"Not to them it isn't! You do realize the rest of the world doesn't even use kanji? And they don't even have a written system, I bet, so why kanji?"

"What, other people don't have to learn kanji?"

"No! No, they don't! I swear, we've been through this before!"


	46. Chapter 46

Izaya was getting riled.

"Now that just ain't fair. I have to work very hard just to get my name right, it's a peaceful name and I like it a lot,"

"Gah, my brain hurts..."

"And you say other countries don't have to learn kanji! It's unfair!"

"Well, that's life."

By now Izaya's initial shock had worn out. He needed an escape route but none seemed forthcoming.

"But you know, I don't have to know kanji to teach it. Do need to study either."

"Oh really?"

"That's right! 'Cuz kanji is all about feeling [kanji]."

Izaya's mouth came undone. He took a few deep breaths.

"Shizu-chan, you do realize that we are talking about 'kanji' as 'Chinese character', right?"

"Ah...but you feel the kanji, then, like...yeah. It's just like love, I don't mean the fish,"

"Enough, enough already!"

It was then that flower necklaces were slung around Izaya's neck. The chanting changed and they lifted him up on a litter made of reeds. Izaya's imagination kicked in right away, picking former threads.

"Oy, oy, no sacrificing me to the volcano god! That's for virgins, I don't qualify! Don't just stand there Shizu-chan, do something!"

"It's okay, they're good people. Guess what, Iza-chan! There's also this statue of you, turns out you're the goddess of this island! Isn't that sweet? You always wanted to be a god, and now we can be like a divine couple."

"Ah...wait, what?"

Shizuo beamed with happiness.

"It shows we're meant to be together. Totally, it's fate!"

Izaya was carried to a hut in the border between sandy beach and tangled forest. Izaya had a moment of panic as he thought about Lord of the Flies and then even that was swept from his mind as a group of girls undressed him so that they could put on him a straw skirt, matching feathers on his head. They also painted some weird symbols on his chest.

They carried him back to Shizuo and began to dance around the two of them.

"What is going on here!"

Shizuo stared in something of a daze.

"Wha, you look so pretty in your wedding clothes..."

"Never mind that- wait, what did you just say?"

"It's the ceremony. I'm the god of this island and you're the goddess, we get married and bless this place."

It took some gaping until Izaya could find his voice. Shizuo took the opportunity for stealing a deep kiss.

"Unhand me already! What the hell, tribal wedding ceremony? And how on earth can you understand them?"

"Hmm...dunno."

"'Dunno'? 'Dunno'? What kind of an answer is that!"

It was if course no answer at all.

"Come on, let me show you the statue!"

Shizuo dragged Izaya past the hut and into the forest, all the way into a big clearing. The Shizuo worshipers followed on their wake. Izaya looked in dismay at the huge statue. It was in essence a stone representation of Izaya, even down to the smile.

"Now this is what I call uncanny coincidence."

"It's totally you, it even has the snarky smile."

"I am not snarky."

"Sure you are. Sexy snarky."

Izaya tried to gather his bearings.

"Can you please tell me exactly what happened?"

Shizuo scratched his chin very thoughtful as if reminiscing on events long past.

"We were doing stuff – and you sure know how to do it, yeah – then I fell asleep and by the time I woke up you weren't there. So I got angry,"

"Eh, it's not like I was trying to escape from you or anything!"

Izaya cursed himself, he was making such basic and childish mistakes. Shizuo nodded solemnly.

"I know, I thought someone had kidnapped you. So I was looking for you all over the place when I stumbled here and saw your statue. These guys were worshiping it so I knew they were cool. I knew the statue meant you'd be back soon, like, fate and stuff. It was cool when I saw my own statue!"

"So you decided to hang around with them...?"

"That's right, waiting for you. And tonight they hold the ceremony, their god and goddess come together which means hot sexing..."

Shizuo actually blushed and was all bashful.

"Can't they see I'm not a woman...? How can I be a goddess!"

"Yeah but you're close enough, you know?"

"No. No, I don't know and I don't want to find out."


	47. Chapter 47

"It's cuz you're small, cute and cute."

"You said 'cute' twice. Now that I think about it, it is not uncommon for gods to exhibit androgynous features. As long as they won't go all Lord of the Flies on me when they realize I'm a guy."

"Iza-chan, you know I can't understand strange talk and languages..."

"I'm not too sure about that. How come you understand what they're saying?"

Shizuo seemed to be giving it some thought. He was quite a sight, wearing nothing but the straw skirt and feathers.

"Dunno."

Izaya fumed some.

"Why do you take your time only to go 'dunno' at the end? It drives me insane!"

"Hmm...dunno."

Izaya tried to just ignore it altogether.

"Their civilization is primitive and you have a primitive mind so I suppose that's where the rapport comes from."

"The ra-what?"

"Interesting."

"Eh, Shizu-chan? What exactly is going on here?"

"Hot bath. Pretty neat, huh?"

"Ah...I'm not too sure."

Izaya and Shizuo had been led to a big water filled container suspended above a fire. Izaya thought it was somewhat familiar but could not quite place it. So it was with some apprehension that he joined Shizuo in the warm water. All and all it was very comfortable, very much like going to a public bath but Izaya's suspicion grew and began to gain shape.

"It's real nice of them."

And it hit Izaya. Suddenly he knew what was wrong with this picture.

"Oh my god, you don't think they're going to eat us?"

Shizuo looked at Izaya as if he worried sunstroke might have upset the love of his life.

"Nah, course not. They're cool. We're like, their gods, no way they're gonna eat us. Who eats their gods?"

"You clearly never heard of Catholics. They are totally about to eat us!"

"Who, the Catholics?"

"No! Your new tribal friends!"

"Nah."

Izaya was about to tear at his hair. The water was becoming increasingly hotter and now he could identify the floaty things on the surface as seaweed, probably of the edible kind.

"No matter how you look at it, this is a cauldron!"

"You think...?"

"Yes! It's Orihara Izaya shabu-shabu!"

Izaya tried to scramble out of the cauldron but right away a palisade of spears was thrust at him.

"Wow, it's like in the movies!"

"Now is not the time to be impressed, Shizu-chan! They are going to cook me, us even, and _eat _us!"

Izaya's voice cracked.

"No one's gonna eat my Iza-chan! I'll be back soon."

And Shizuo actually smiled in a most reassuring way and patted Izaya on the head. Shizuo simply waved the spears away with a gesture, picked up Izaya in his arms and stepped out of the cauldron, carrying Izaya. Shizuo placed Izaya under a palm tree and then uprooted another tree with which Shizuo swept the entire tribe into the ocean.

Izaya could hardly believe his eyes, there was Shizuo, butt naked, mowing down the tribe, spears flying all over the place. It happened so fast that Izaya did not know it had happened until he realized the beach was now empty if not for the two of them.

"All clear! Got rid of them all."

Izaya had a strange moment in which Shizuo actually looked handsome and even heroic. Then Shizuo broke into a goofy smile and stampeded.

"So like, we're alone now so we should, you know...let it on..."

Shizuo only touched Izaya very lightly on the shoulder but it was enough to send him howling with pain.

"It burns! My poor skin! Oh my god, I'm red like a lobster, lobster!"

"It's okay, Iza-chan. You're sexy, being all red like."

Now that the stress had abated Izaya became all too aware of how much pain he was in.

"I'm half boiled already!"

"You need one of those."

Izaya was terrified that Shizuo meant a session of intense sex. Shizuo knocked down a tree and picked up a coconut.

"Here, it's nice. You'll feel better."

Izaya drank the coconut milk but only felt slightly better.

"Shizu-chan, I know how lobsters feel now, I know! Never will I ever eat lobster again, never! And how come you're just fine?"

"That's cuz I'm tough and manly."

"Ah...can't really argue with that."


	48. Chapter 48

Izaya returned to the ship with Shizuo on tow. He found out that repairs were still underway. Of Namie and the clone army there was no trace and Kasuka seemed to have disappeared as well along with Aoba.

In other words, it was just Izaya and Shizuo, just like Shizuo wanted. And since Izaya was so low on energy and his skin rather inflamed he spent a lot of time getting treated and saw little or nothing of the self proclaimed 'amazing tropical wonders'. Then again he had had too much of that to last him a life time and did not dislike just staying indoors, on his back, as ship medical personnel poured soothing lotion on him.

He barely noticed as the ship resumed its apparently endless tour on the Pacific ocean. His skin peeled until he became even paler than usual which was a supreme irony all things considered. Izaya was in no mood to appreciate irony and especially not at his own expense.

Fortunately for him the delay upset the schedule and so the ship returned to Tokyo before he expected. Shizuo was a bit disappointed as he wanted more tropical island romance and hot sex.

Izaya nearly collapsed as soon as he finally stepped on the concrete platform of the harbor. He vowed never to board a ship if at all possible. Shizuo was busy carrying their bags and got stuck on the long queue of passengers.

"Excuse me, are you Orihara Izaya-kun?"

Izaya preened himself. Facing him were two men that he found most suspicious. He knew cops when he saw them.

"That is me, yes. Why?"

"We would like you to have a word with us, we're with the police."

Izaya was ready to go on about his being a minor but the other man ousted him by producing a letter.

"Do you happen to know a certain Heiwajima Shizuo? This threatening letter was sent to the Diet. He signed it and your name is on it too."

Now this changed everything.

"I had nothing to do with that. Shizu-chan- Shizuo, I mean- sent that without my even knowing. By the time I heard about it was too late to do anything. He is crazy! Threatening the Diet, who would that? Are you here to arrest him? You can check my handwriting, I did not write that letter."

In his excitement Izaya even forgot that the law protecting minors he had been ready to use also applied to Shizuo.

"There is still complicity."

Izaya looked around, nervously. Normally he would not consider negotiating with the police but then again ever since Shizuo had made a mess out of his life Izaya had started on a road of never before tried things.

"Look, if we stand here chatting he'll appear. If you want to take him into custody you better get a lot, and I mean a lot, of men. Meanwhile I can brief you on him at the station."

They agreed. Izaya could hardly believe his luck. He rode the car to a tiny _koban _and rehearsed his lines.

"Heiwajima Shizuo is a highly violent and brutal individual. We are schoolmates and sworn enemies. I would never go along with any plan of his."

"How come you were on a cruise with him, then?"

"Entrapment, that's why."

"Word on the street is that he's your boyfriend."

Izaya gesticulated in dismissal of such absurd a notion.

"None of that is even remotely true. I am a victim here, you hear? A victim. As police officers you should sympathize with me. I have suffered much."

"We've heard that you're acquainted with a certain Shiki-san?"

Izaya became more alert but did not let it show.

"Yes. Shiki-san runs a perfectly legit establishment as I am sure you know."

Minor protection or not Izaya was treading a somewhat thin line. Police officers were not all that fond of teens hanging out with yakuza big names.

"Are you thinking about joining that establishment?"

"I'm not. Look, I'm vying to become an independent party here. I have no desire to climb the yakuza corporate ladder, too many pitfalls, not enough freedom. It's just not for me. Who knows, in a couple of years you may require my information services."

"Back to Shizuo-kun,"

"Yes! Back to Shizu-chan! He's a demon, not even human, he's a beast! A beast I say! Him and the shi gang, they're all plotting against me,"

The officers exchanged a quick glance. Izaya dropped his guard to go off on this rant because his nerves had been greatly shaken from a prolonged exposure to the Shizuo factor.


	49. Chapter 49

2012-07-29 21:59 (UTC)

"What do you know about the Shi gang?"

Izaya blinked.

"Shi gang...?"

"Have you been messing around with the Triads?"

"Triads...?"

"Don't play dumb, kid."

For once Izaya was completely at a loss.

"I'm not sure I follow..."

Indeed Izaya did not at all follow. The policemen were kind enough to explain at length and two hours later Izaya arrived at Shinra's place and simply collapsed on a sofa.

"So you're back already? Looking mighty pale there, Izaya. I thought you were touring the Pacific,"

"Argh! Argh! The cops are after me!"

"That was only a matter of time, though."

Izaya's look of sheer misery did not cause much an impression on Shinra but Celty was moved to pity. Partly because fearing the police was a cause she too endorsed.

[Don't be so nasty, Shinra. The police is scary!]

Izaya wiped a tear and then gave up on composure altogether and became a sobbing mess.

"I've been raped, nearly eaten by savages, raped again, almost raped by a kid and to top it all off the cops want me to help them bring down a major triad! How am I supposed to do that?! I'll end up in the bottom of Hong Kong bay, Hong Kong bay I tell you!"

None of this made much sense and it took a lot of time for Izaya to become coherent enough to finally explain what happened.

"So Shizu-chan sent those crazy letters to the Diet and of course it got the police attention. It figures they would question me since that damn Shizu-chan put my name in the letters! I thought it'd be an opportunity for finally getting rid of him- I've tried so hard, so so so hard!- so I told them about the Shi gang and, and, and it turns out there is a major triad whose name being impossible for Japanese speakers to say has been shortened to 'shi gang'!"

By now Izaya was on his feet and waving a fist in the air out of sheer indignation. Shinra nodded calmly and sipped some coffee that Celty had prepared.

"I see. So that's what happened. What are the odds of that?"

"I don't know and I don't care! What matters is that the police now believe I have intel on the triad group! Since I do have experience with the yakuza they assumed I'm familiar with the Chinese mafia!"

"Isn't it about the same? Yakuza, triads,"

"No, it is not! The triads are secret societies while the yakuza is about as public as it gets. The triads also have fancy poetic names for the several roles within their hierarchy."

"Looks like you do know a lot about the subject."

"And now the police want me to infiltrate this triad and act as an informant!"

"There you go, you can kick start your career ahead of us all. Way to go, Izaya."

Izaya shot him a deadly glare of pure icy anger.

"Spare the sarcasm, will you? How am I supposed to infiltrate a major triad?! They said that the triad is less likely to suspect a teenage boy but I know they'll see through it and sink me into Hong Kong bay!"

"That again. What is up with Hong Kong bay?"

"A lot of triads come from Hong Kong. And that's where I'll rot at the bottom of the bay. I just know it."

"Cheer up, Izaya. I can't see the triads killing you just like that."

"Why not?"

Izaya sounded half-suspicious and half-hopeful.

"Gangsters are all making profit. As you keep saying you're a pretty boy. I'm sure the triad can make money out of you in some brothel in Hong Kong. You're even exotic by their standards."

Shinra meant it as a joke but Izaya turned so pale Celty hurried to get him a glass of water.

[Here, drink some water. Are you okay?]

Celty was no fan of Izaya's but she felt very sorry for him now. Izaya busied himself sobbing quietly.

"The store, it all makes sense now, that's what Shizu-chan meant! Selling me off to the Chinese as a sex slave! This is what they call being sold overseas! It really happens!"


End file.
